This topic has been a long time coming, seeing as the bare-arsed 6 year olds in the sprinklers are now all 'growed-up' and the drunken debauchery in which we all indulge from time to time more often than not ends in meeting new and interesting (possible) future significant others. And so, we touch on love. The purpose of this document is not to rant and rave about all the bullshit. (Or is it?) It's not here to convince you that falling in love is a terrible mistake, but to inform you with rational reasoning of the pitfalls of love, and of all the ups and downs that come with the fun that love brings. The author of this document assumes that you are intelligent enough to draw your own conclusions.
Let's start from the barenaked truth of birth, shall we? When you are born, you are bombarded with elements of love. Your parents tell you that when you grow up you're going to create a family of your own (If they don't tell you outright, they inform you subconsciously because it is expected. We learn by imitation). Family, schools, and mentors teach you about monogamous relationships based on love. Little girls are brought up to play house, take care of baby dolls, and cook with play-doh. Society carefully brings children up to 'play the game'.
The media surrounds you with love stories, love triangles and Melrose Place. The media bombards you with sex, ultimately putting the pursuit of it into your young mind.
As the 'game' of love embellishes, we confuse the search of Sex (driven by the nature element: Human Desire) with the search for a mate and happiness.
Happiness -> Love -> Sex
The need for happiness rationalizes love. Then the need for love rationalizes sex. Maybe you don't have a high case of success in love. Maybe you've been in many meaningless relationships with multiple people? Leading to nowhere? Maybe you haven't found what you are looking for? Maybe you aren't looking in the right place. Love is not there, happiness is not there... Where the fuck am I going?
Happiness (being content is the hardest to attain) is being able to recognize who you are and what you are here for. Being able to live with your self is the solution.
People are afraid to be alone. When we see happy couples, we assume that we will be happy in relationships too, so we go out there to try to find a girlfriend or boyfriend. If you're single, and the majority of your friends are dating someone, you feel alienated and left out. Soon, you feel like you NEED someone to occupy your time. Need for Companionship and Following the Herd are not very good reasons to start relationships.
According to Wikipedia: Love is the emotion of strong affection and personal attachment. In philosophical context, love is a virtue representing all of human kindness, compassion, and affection.
NEVER re-date your ex:
Wikipedia is correct and incorrect. In fact, with an irresistible cocktail of chemicals, our brain entices us to fall in love. It is not purely the heart wanting what it wants, people. Lust - the first stage of love - is in fact a lovely mixture of the sex hormones: testosterone and oestrogen making magic in your mind. Attraction - the second phase of love - is a concoction of adrenaline, dopamine and serotonin, allowing you to become 'love-struck' and think of nothing else. AND, in fact, Attachment, the final stage of love is - yes, you wont believe it - oxytocin and vasopressin doing work to make you feel like you cannot live with out your "attachee". These are the hormones involved in making couples last long enough to have children. How long the marriage lasts must then be left up to you and your will to keep the relationship alive.
With the smorgasbord of emotions that accompany that “L” word, it’s pretty easy to find “Lurve” in all the wrong places! I want to elaborate on some of my pet peeves in this game of love.
After 6 months of riding the singles-only bus after a particularly nasty break up, you start to wonder if it’s possible that all is well and the problems have magically disappeared. You see her out. She's happy. You miss her. It's been 6 months since you nailed her best friend that one drunken night (this is one of those what-the-fuck-were-you-thinking? moments - We must remember that people, by nature, are unfaithful creatures; we are not monogamous. All of this stems from our past instincts to survive. So don't beat yourself up.) Well, I'm gonna do you one hell of a favour, buddy, and forbid you from going back down that path. It’s your EX. Move on. The shit hasn’t disappeared at all. After two weeks of “lovey dovey’’ bullshit you’ll be tearing at eachother's throats. Once a piece of paper has been crumpled it is impossible to straighten perfectly again. You also probably haven’t realised that she is banging some other dude already… DON'T ever re-date your ex. It's like shooting yourself in the foot, drinking sour milk, fucking your buddy's fat girlfiend. You'll end up catastrophically screwed. And not in a good way.
So, I impore you - take the plunge. Declare hunting season open and go find some eligible dears. You may just be surprised at what you come across. [Stay clear of Jagermeister as warned in a previous post. You might wake up next to a bear]
If you keep asking me that, it's gonna stop the lovin' hun:
You already know what I’m talking about. Every 5 minutes he/she is asking "do you still love me babe?". After every irrelevant (and pointless) (and silly) argument. I don’t mean to sound cynical here (This whole piece is cynical, who am I kidding?) but honestly, a year down the line and you’re still wondering if I love you [thank you for the three thousand texts you just sent me] ????
Grow the fuck up, please. In primary school, where girlfriend swaps were more common than sharing lunch, sure - ask away - but surely we have left that nonsense behind us?
Who's that guy that waved at you from 10 meters away? Hey? Do you like him? WHO the FUCK is he?
Jealousy, being one of the cardinal 7 deadly sins, has got to be right up there on that list of things that just don’t fucking work in a relationship. If you're by nature a jealous person, become a monk, remain celibate. You may not be "getting any", but you wont be a miserable son of a bitch every time she gets a text or someone says hello at the pub. The jealous and the needy almost always tend to end up together. She’ll be the catalyst in some argument, because her ex looked her way once, he’ll pop his top…then we get the classic line…
Do you still love me?
The cause of most rumbles in the jungle would be that flirtatious little treasure of yours, who will go out of her way to simply screw up your night by talking to each male that crosses her path as if she is an extra in an American Gangster's Raunchy Rap Video and then get pissed off with you for asking what the hell was up with the blatant flirting? [Not to be confused with aforementioned jealous boyfriend.] I’m talking about the sucker who forks out weekend after weekend because he genuinely “cares”(perhaps he is only sticking around for the bedroom gymnastics), and gets kicked in the teeth time and time again. Time to grow a backbone sonny, and find a doll that wants to be with you.
I’m stuck to you like glue, babe:
Next time you’re out, be it at your local shopping mall, the beach or the pub, take a look around and try to locate that one “happy” couple, who are permanently glued to each other. When she goes to the bathroom, he goes with, when he goes to get drinks, her eyes are permanently stuck to him. If it’s a trust thing - get over it, and if it’s a jealousy thing - get the fuck out of the relationship. There is nothing wrong with a little PDA, but for fuck's sake - the entire evening? Get a hold of yourself. Ta.
I'm not looking to replace, I'm looking to replicate:
Unfortunately, ladies and gents, there will come a time when you’ll find yourself in a relationship when, no matter what you're doing, be it cooking, sexing, hanging out, he/she will be comparing you to the asshole who left her/him for someone else. In this situation, don't even try hoping that maybe she/he will get over it and grow to love you for you. The only solution is to RUN, and fast. Why put yourself through the constant pressure of trying to please the unpleaseable?
I’m guessing, after reading this, you might think I sound like one of those heartbroken suckers who is bitter and twisted. It’s the complete opposite. I’ve just bumped my head enough to notice the stupid things that keep you away from a good thing. Psycologists say that you can't help who you are attracted to, but from what we've learnt today kids, there are hormones and potential personality differences that we need to consider when Cupid's arrow hits. We need to realise that we must date the people that bring out the best in us, that make us feel GOOD, and not insecure, jealous, and worried.
When things start going sour, get out before you hit rock bottom and then have to build yourself up again from square one.
Just call it a day, and move on, there's no fixing the unfixable. And yes, most relationship problems are Mother Nature's way of telling us that the expiry date to this particular relationship has been reached.
To end things off Woody Allen was quoted saying: "To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore to love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer. To suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy then is to suffer. But suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be unhappy one must love, or to love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness..."