Friday, July 22, 2011

Challenge Accepted

There is something about the phrase ‘I would love for you to challenge me’ that has led to this insightful response to my “Dirty Monkey Dance” piece…
I would even go so far as to say to the guys that there is shit to learn herein, so be a little more conscious of what your ladies needs are…

And so, I present:

The Top 25 Sex Blunders – Compiled by a Real Woman in Response to the revised 35 Sex Blunders Qualified and Posted by a Guy & Written (originally) by a Woman as follows:

  1. Please realise that we DO NOT like our nipples being bitten or sucked so hard *cringe* - Don’t ‘latch on’.

  1. Hickeys are for teenagers. Just don’t.
  2. Please take your socks off, you look dumb naked just wearing socks.
  3. Please don’t ask us how it was for us afterwards, if we haven’t told you it was great/amazing or if we aren’t wanting to do it again - that obviously means it  either sucked or we have had better, deal with it.
  4. If we giving you a blowjob and you are forcing our heads further down its actually insulting, some of us can deep throat and some of us cant, don’t push our heads further down, let us do our thing we all have our unique techniques, unless you want to be thrown up on, which is a whole other fetish that maybe some of us are into, I would advise you not to assume we are.

  1. Please stop pretending you’re in some porn movie because you are not, yes we can get dirty and even watch porn while we do it, but we can tell if you feel as though you are a porn star by body language – don’t flatter yourself dude, looking at your reflection, flexing your biceps… What a turn off.

  1. Apologizing for the size of your penis is just pathetic. Just in case you ever feel inclined to apologize for not matching up to the guys in porno’s, just remember: 98% of women would rather have a sensitive lover than one with a big penis.
  2. Anal and doing it by "accident" – after we said no we DON’T want to do anal (we know it wasn’t a accident buddy), some of us are into this and some of us aren’t, please don’t BEG us to do so while having sex, and if you need some advice, ask us to do anal when we are drunk, chances are we will do it !! When we are drunk we are up to almost anything, I’d say, save your dirty fantasies for when we are drunk I can guarantee you 9 out of 10 we will do whatever you want us to.
  3. Slapping our ass is weird.
  4. Making weird noises like a girl is a no-no especially if its right in our ear.
  5. Lying on top of us without supporting your weight on your arms suffocates us, if you are lank heavy please try not to suffocate us so that we are struggling to breathe…
  6. Don’t grind us through our clothes so hard and think its hot – it isn’t, its actually really painful.
  7. It is THE most annoying thing when a guy changes the position just before we about to climax, come on cant you see that we are satisfied with what you are doing why change it and piss us off, you’re supposed to be in tune with us we will do things like hold you there or scratch your back, that usually means we like!
  8. Facial expressions – Please try not to look like you think you’re a porn star or like you’re constipated you’re supposed to be looking attractive remember.
  9. Sweating and it drips on us - *puke* - Do something about it.
  10. I had to put this point in LOL, a friend of mine woke up to her boyfriend jacking off to porn right next to her, seriously dude? That’s just wrong we don’t care if you watch porn just don’t jack off to it while we are sleeping next to you. WTF?
  11. Please refrain from asking us if its okay or if we are okay while having sex because we wouldn’t be doing it if we weren’t okay, it’s a turn off. If you want to do something just do it, if we don’t want it we will tell you. Take control too sometimes, it isn’t all about us.
  12. Asking us if we have cum yet, YOU WILL KNOW IF WE HAVE, and if  you ask us, it sets us back and its effing irritating.
  13. If we haven’t cum and you want to PLEASE don’t stop and just freeze up, panicking and trying to prolong the urge, just cum okay, chances are this isn’t the last time you will have sex with us - we are always up for round 2 and 3 and 4 so maybe its best you save your energy.
  14. Don’t assume we like to talk or be cuddled afterwards because we also like to sleep and also couldn’t be bothered to speak to you besides having a hairy arm pit on you or near your face is gross and you probably smell like sweat so go shower.
  15. Please don’t be rough with our clitoris, it is sensitive enough as it is, its not one of those things when the harder you rub it the nicer it feels…
  16. If you want to ‘finger’ us fine, just make sure your hands are clean seriously – and please for godsakes DO NOT try put more fingers in, its painful and it isn’t about the size – seriously – its about our g-spot and stimulating it. If you don’t understand, Google it or something.
  17. Please don’t say you want to “break us” wtf does that mean??? Talking dirty is tricky, if you aren’t an expert don’t do it at all.
  18. Please be a bit more gentle with our boobies, we really hate the feeling of you trying to rip them off. Play nicely J
  19. Whatever you want to do maybe you should ask the chick how she likes it before you assume you doing it right and you are so fucking good at it.

So, lads, I guess that’s that then. Time to learn those lessons and make this Dirty Monkey Dancing experience effing amazing for both parties… And I’ve learned that it would be best if I refrain from laying down such frivolous challenges again…

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Dirty Monkey Dance

Whilst mindlessly surfing the waves of the ‘interweb’ a few years back, I came across a rather humorous and kind-of thought-provoking article, written by a woman. Topic being: the 50 mistakes woman make while having sex. I thought I’d share 35 of the top points - in my opinion, of course. Fortunately, I found this link again recently so I’ll give credit where credit is due. She needs a gold medal or an Oscar for this.

Fuck, even a Grammy…

If you are of a sensitive nature, discontinue reading, fuck off and go surf the net about kittens and sewing patterns. Go off and knit a sweater or whatever it is you do with your spare time. Don’t read this - as you will get your panties all bunched up. It is a little long, but if you are a female, I would love for you to challenge me on any of these points which, keep in mind, have been written by one of your sisters

It’s about time I think that we braved the wild waters of Sex…PG21 LSN. Youngsters, go to bed or wait till your folks aren’t around. Enjoy…

The Top 35 Sex Blunders – Revised by a Guy, Written (Originally) by a Girl as follows:

1. Assuming he can get a raging hard on when it suits you. Contrary to popular belief, men can't just flip a switch and get it up because you decided to stop being a frigid bitch. Getting it hard is your job. I suggest you figure it out.

2. Thinking that kissing needs to be this sweet romantic thing all the time. Sometimes pressing your lips against your partner’s mouth while you get off is very hot. It depends on the situation.

3. Leaving him responsible for your orgasm. You know what gets you off. Tell him. If you don't, it's your own fault when he's snoozing and you're all wound up.

4. Expecting him to fall asleep with you in his arms. That shit is uncomfortable after awhile. A little snuggling isn't unreasonable, but when it's time to actually sleep? An arm draped over you should suffice.

5. Expecting him to always lay on the charm and romance. Sometimes, that's nice. Sometimes. But expecting him to be all roses and candles all the time is like expecting you to act like a pornstar all the time. If you're not willing to do that, don't expect him to switch for you.

6. Being selfish in bed. Regardless of the shit that Cosmo forces down our throats, sex is NOT just about us. Get over it. Or using Cosmo as a sex bible. I don’t know who comes up with half that shit, but I'm pretty sure they need counseling.

7. Whining when he pushes your head down on his cock instead of stroking your hair. Know why he's pushing, skippy? Because you aren't doing it right, and have apparently ignored the other clues he's given you. Pay attention to the signals that he's sending you.

8. Not moving at all. Missionary is not an excuse to do nothing.

9. Allowing your crotch to resemble the amazon. Yes, waxing hurts. Yes, some people don't want to go bare. That’s fine. If you like bush, great. If you have sensitive skin and can't shave, I feel for you. But for the love of Christ, trim that shit if you want him to spend any time down there.

10. Expecting him to figure out what you like by what noise you make. Use your words. Have you ever actually heard what you sound like while you're having sex? If you heard yourself on tape, and someone asked you to explain what was causing you to make that noise, 67% of women would respond with answers like "I stubbed my toe" "I ran up the steps" or "I was putting up drywall".

11. Leaving condoms up to him. If you're sexually active and insist that he uses a condom, I suggest buying a box and keeping it by your bed. Not all men keep them on them, and it's just as much your responsibility as it is his. If you think that makes you a slut, you shouldn't be having sex anyway. Go back to Jr. High.

12. Getting your undies in a bunch when he talks dirty. A little fantasy can be fun. If he treats you with respect all the time, you shouldn't be offended when he calls you his dirty little slut. When he calls you a whore and tells you to come, it’s his way of showing that he cares if you get off. Stop being a sissy.

13. Refusing to be spontaneous. I know this is shocking, but sometimes sex OUTSIDE of the bedroom is fun.

14. Dissing quickies because it's not some slow sensual ordeal. Sex is a dynamic thing. There’s an awesome raw energy when you only have 20 minutes but having to have someone so bad that you do it half clothed against the wall. Readjust your thinking.

15. Being too much of a pussy to tell him what is or isn't acceptable before you start bumping uglies. Be honest. If he asks if he can poke you in the butt, and you giggle and say no like it's an invitation, don't look surprised when he "accidentally" sticks his cock in your butt.

16. Expecting him to undress you. I put a bra on almost every day. I know for a fact that getting them off isn't always easy. Help a brother out.

17. Refusing to get on top. There’s no reason men should have to do all the work.

18. Getting that bored look on your face. Men are more visual than women. Give him something to look at. Get on top and arch your back a little bit. Move. Do something to indicate that you 1) are not dead and 2) didn't suffer a minor stroke rendering you unable to move.

19. Expecting him to do all the touching when you're riding him. It's your body, you're used to it. Play with your tits, rub your clit, do something to make his job easier.

20. Being too afraid to guide your partner's hand when he’s touching you. Don't like the way he's doing it? Gently take his hand and show him how you like it.

21. Getting into bed, getting naked, fooling around and then deciding that you just want to cuddle, then getting offended when he doesn't. It’s your choice to stop, but don't look all fucking surprised when he's confused. You got him naked in your bed, what else did you think was going to happen?

22. Refusing to let him take control. So you’re a feminist. Big fucking deal. Letting him call the shots doesn't make you any less of one.

23. Refusing to take control. It’s ok to crawl across a bed to him on all fours, push him down and crawl on top. It's not his responsibility to start things all the time.

24. Forgetting that he has a body that likes to be touched, too. Men have things like backs and shoulders and stomachs and other parts that are fun to kiss and touch. You miss a lot of good places by concentrating solely on his penis.

25. Leaving him to his own devices. Nothing is worse than a girl who gets you most of the way off and then bolts because she doesn't want to deal with the mess.

26. Expecting him to handle you like a porcelain doll. I'd hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you're not going to break, sister. So doing it against the wall gives you a bruise on your shoulder. Look at it later and giggle at the memory.

27. Taking things way too seriously. Sex is funny. Actually it's hilarious. Somewhere along the line, someone is going to fall off of a bed, hit their head on a lighting fixture, accidentally kick a midget or trip over a goat. Its how you deal with it that really matters.

28. Continuing a blow job knowing that you have god awful cotton mouth. Really. Grab a bottle of water.

29. Bitching when you get jizz on you. You're having sex. That will happen. That’s the entire point of sex. Establish where he can and can’t jizz and be done with it. Remember, it tightens the pores.

30. Not making any noises at all. Moan. Scream his name. Something so he knows he's the best you've had, even if he isn't.

31. Faking orgasms. Just. Don't. By faking (IF he believes you) he thinks he's doing everything right. And if he doesn't know its not working, he's not going to change it. Starting a vicious cycle of unfulfilling sex which will eventually be very damaging to his ego.

32. Anything that involves inserting anything into his body that he has not specifically approved before hand. I don't care what Cosmo says, some things are simply not pleasant surprises.

33. Cleaning up after sex. Wiping the splooge off is one thing. But changing the sheets immediately so you can get the other ones in the washer and then sanitizing everything your naked body might have possibly passed by is not the way to do it.

34. Making a big deal out of it if he loses his hard on. This is not an interrogation, or 20 questions. It happens, he's probably mortified and you are NOT helping. Refrain from using phrases like "it happens to every guy". Just move to other activities until it gets hard again, and if it doesn't, get off another way with him. He's still capable of getting you off. Mumbling "Forget it" and rolling over are not ok.

35. Asking questions right afterwards. The woman equivalent of "was it good for you?” Now is not a good time to ask "What this means". Right now, it means he probably needs to take a drink, a leak and a nap, perhaps not in that order.

I do, however, have it on very good authority from a smoking source (lucky me ;) ) that this is only a generalisation and not all woman are guilty of these charges. But, if you do find yourself in violation of the above: let go a little. Sex or lovemaking - whatever term you give the Dirty Monkey Dance - is supposed to be enjoyable so live a little, let go and enjoy the ride…


Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Nothing about Unicorns

Sitting here, staring at the cursor that is blinking away on my screen, almost wishing I would hit the keys to make it work has left me feeling rather confused – it has been a week from hell so far work-wise, but life-wise it’s been fucking amazing!

Thinking about what it takes to make an interesting, worthy piece is kind of a piece in its own. Naturally, there are so many genres to choose from – from  thought-provoking to funny, serious topics, writing that demonstrates my frustration; how is it that, after not writing for a prolonged period of time, one gets rusty - or worse - stuck in a rut, with absolutely no variation of topic?

So, I ask you to please bear with me as I endeavor to get my proverbial groove back with the latest edition of the 123 Chronicles…

I guess it all started yesterday when I ran my ‘mouth’ – well, fingers – off about my sunny disposition I’m experiencing at present, and quoted, in reference to Mythical Ponies, that I sat back and thought, fuck me dude, life is awesome at the moment and I foresee a definite increase in the smile factor.

We get so wrapped up in the 9-5 (7 ‘til 5, in my case) daily grind, and the strive for ‘perfection’, that we often overlook the ability to be all like Whoooa – awesome, life rocks. I’m just going to revel in it for a few, and what a difference it makes when you do. I’m walking around smiling like a retard with a yo-yo. This, I’m pretty sure, can be attributed to an amazing lady that has seriously blown my mind. And she’s appeared in my life along with an attitude change wherein I positively feel that I’m tired of being ‘depro’ and hating life just because one aspect isn’t all sunshine and unicorns.

Work, I feel, is there for a reason but I, for one, am no longer letting it dictate my mind-set and/or happiness. Now, before you all start throwing stones at the hippy, think about it - you have a shit day at work, and when you walk out the office door and switch the torturous fluorescent lights off, do you leave the shitty day behind the door? Nope. You put it in your back pocket and you carry those issues around with you. The drive home takes longer. That twat in the beemer cuts you off. And fuck’s sakes, you’ve burnt the rice. All because of one shitty day at work…Well, I’m starting to think fuck that; I’m going to be happy regardless of circumstance. I have people who love me. I have a roof over my head. I can afford beer and cigarettes. Life is good.

This isn’t a piece about hating work. Instead, it’s about taking pleasure in the small things in life and the uncomplicated joys.

I received a very cool email the other day titled: I’ve learned - and some of the points really resonated with me and have certainly helped with my new outlook on life…

I’ve learned that sometimes you have to put the individual ahead of their actions.
I’ve learned that you can keep going - long after you think you can’t.
I’ve learned that writing, as well as talking, can ease emotional pains.
I’ve learned that you cannot make someone love you.  All you can do is be someone who can be loved.  The rest is up to them.
I’ve learned that no matter how thin you slice it; there are always two sides.
I’ve learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes.  After that, you had better know something.

I’ve started learning (again) in order to make me happy, and the rest – well, the rest can be managed tomorrow. My advice herein is to carry your own good weather around with you and to be grateful, for you never know what is around the corner.