Friday, July 22, 2011

Challenge Accepted

There is something about the phrase ‘I would love for you to challenge me’ that has led to this insightful response to my “Dirty Monkey Dance” piece…
I would even go so far as to say to the guys that there is shit to learn herein, so be a little more conscious of what your ladies needs are…

And so, I present:

The Top 25 Sex Blunders – Compiled by a Real Woman in Response to the revised 35 Sex Blunders Qualified and Posted by a Guy & Written (originally) by a Woman as follows:

  1. Please realise that we DO NOT like our nipples being bitten or sucked so hard *cringe* - Don’t ‘latch on’.

  1. Hickeys are for teenagers. Just don’t.
  2. Please take your socks off, you look dumb naked just wearing socks.
  3. Please don’t ask us how it was for us afterwards, if we haven’t told you it was great/amazing or if we aren’t wanting to do it again - that obviously means it  either sucked or we have had better, deal with it.
  4. If we giving you a blowjob and you are forcing our heads further down its actually insulting, some of us can deep throat and some of us cant, don’t push our heads further down, let us do our thing we all have our unique techniques, unless you want to be thrown up on, which is a whole other fetish that maybe some of us are into, I would advise you not to assume we are.

  1. Please stop pretending you’re in some porn movie because you are not, yes we can get dirty and even watch porn while we do it, but we can tell if you feel as though you are a porn star by body language – don’t flatter yourself dude, looking at your reflection, flexing your biceps… What a turn off.

  1. Apologizing for the size of your penis is just pathetic. Just in case you ever feel inclined to apologize for not matching up to the guys in porno’s, just remember: 98% of women would rather have a sensitive lover than one with a big penis.
  2. Anal and doing it by "accident" – after we said no we DON’T want to do anal (we know it wasn’t a accident buddy), some of us are into this and some of us aren’t, please don’t BEG us to do so while having sex, and if you need some advice, ask us to do anal when we are drunk, chances are we will do it !! When we are drunk we are up to almost anything, I’d say, save your dirty fantasies for when we are drunk I can guarantee you 9 out of 10 we will do whatever you want us to.
  3. Slapping our ass is weird.
  4. Making weird noises like a girl is a no-no especially if its right in our ear.
  5. Lying on top of us without supporting your weight on your arms suffocates us, if you are lank heavy please try not to suffocate us so that we are struggling to breathe…
  6. Don’t grind us through our clothes so hard and think its hot – it isn’t, its actually really painful.
  7. It is THE most annoying thing when a guy changes the position just before we about to climax, come on cant you see that we are satisfied with what you are doing why change it and piss us off, you’re supposed to be in tune with us we will do things like hold you there or scratch your back, that usually means we like!
  8. Facial expressions – Please try not to look like you think you’re a porn star or like you’re constipated you’re supposed to be looking attractive remember.
  9. Sweating and it drips on us - *puke* - Do something about it.
  10. I had to put this point in LOL, a friend of mine woke up to her boyfriend jacking off to porn right next to her, seriously dude? That’s just wrong we don’t care if you watch porn just don’t jack off to it while we are sleeping next to you. WTF?
  11. Please refrain from asking us if its okay or if we are okay while having sex because we wouldn’t be doing it if we weren’t okay, it’s a turn off. If you want to do something just do it, if we don’t want it we will tell you. Take control too sometimes, it isn’t all about us.
  12. Asking us if we have cum yet, YOU WILL KNOW IF WE HAVE, and if  you ask us, it sets us back and its effing irritating.
  13. If we haven’t cum and you want to PLEASE don’t stop and just freeze up, panicking and trying to prolong the urge, just cum okay, chances are this isn’t the last time you will have sex with us - we are always up for round 2 and 3 and 4 so maybe its best you save your energy.
  14. Don’t assume we like to talk or be cuddled afterwards because we also like to sleep and also couldn’t be bothered to speak to you besides having a hairy arm pit on you or near your face is gross and you probably smell like sweat so go shower.
  15. Please don’t be rough with our clitoris, it is sensitive enough as it is, its not one of those things when the harder you rub it the nicer it feels…
  16. If you want to ‘finger’ us fine, just make sure your hands are clean seriously – and please for godsakes DO NOT try put more fingers in, its painful and it isn’t about the size – seriously – its about our g-spot and stimulating it. If you don’t understand, Google it or something.
  17. Please don’t say you want to “break us” wtf does that mean??? Talking dirty is tricky, if you aren’t an expert don’t do it at all.
  18. Please be a bit more gentle with our boobies, we really hate the feeling of you trying to rip them off. Play nicely J
  19. Whatever you want to do maybe you should ask the chick how she likes it before you assume you doing it right and you are so fucking good at it.

So, lads, I guess that’s that then. Time to learn those lessons and make this Dirty Monkey Dancing experience effing amazing for both parties… And I’ve learned that it would be best if I refrain from laying down such frivolous challenges again…

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