Friday, July 22, 2011

Challenge Accepted

There is something about the phrase ‘I would love for you to challenge me’ that has led to this insightful response to my “Dirty Monkey Dance” piece…
I would even go so far as to say to the guys that there is shit to learn herein, so be a little more conscious of what your ladies needs are…

And so, I present:

The Top 25 Sex Blunders – Compiled by a Real Woman in Response to the revised 35 Sex Blunders Qualified and Posted by a Guy & Written (originally) by a Woman as follows:

  1. Please realise that we DO NOT like our nipples being bitten or sucked so hard *cringe* - Don’t ‘latch on’.

  1. Hickeys are for teenagers. Just don’t.
  2. Please take your socks off, you look dumb naked just wearing socks.
  3. Please don’t ask us how it was for us afterwards, if we haven’t told you it was great/amazing or if we aren’t wanting to do it again - that obviously means it  either sucked or we have had better, deal with it.
  4. If we giving you a blowjob and you are forcing our heads further down its actually insulting, some of us can deep throat and some of us cant, don’t push our heads further down, let us do our thing we all have our unique techniques, unless you want to be thrown up on, which is a whole other fetish that maybe some of us are into, I would advise you not to assume we are.

  1. Please stop pretending you’re in some porn movie because you are not, yes we can get dirty and even watch porn while we do it, but we can tell if you feel as though you are a porn star by body language – don’t flatter yourself dude, looking at your reflection, flexing your biceps… What a turn off.

  1. Apologizing for the size of your penis is just pathetic. Just in case you ever feel inclined to apologize for not matching up to the guys in porno’s, just remember: 98% of women would rather have a sensitive lover than one with a big penis.
  2. Anal and doing it by "accident" – after we said no we DON’T want to do anal (we know it wasn’t a accident buddy), some of us are into this and some of us aren’t, please don’t BEG us to do so while having sex, and if you need some advice, ask us to do anal when we are drunk, chances are we will do it !! When we are drunk we are up to almost anything, I’d say, save your dirty fantasies for when we are drunk I can guarantee you 9 out of 10 we will do whatever you want us to.
  3. Slapping our ass is weird.
  4. Making weird noises like a girl is a no-no especially if its right in our ear.
  5. Lying on top of us without supporting your weight on your arms suffocates us, if you are lank heavy please try not to suffocate us so that we are struggling to breathe…
  6. Don’t grind us through our clothes so hard and think its hot – it isn’t, its actually really painful.
  7. It is THE most annoying thing when a guy changes the position just before we about to climax, come on cant you see that we are satisfied with what you are doing why change it and piss us off, you’re supposed to be in tune with us we will do things like hold you there or scratch your back, that usually means we like!
  8. Facial expressions – Please try not to look like you think you’re a porn star or like you’re constipated you’re supposed to be looking attractive remember.
  9. Sweating and it drips on us - *puke* - Do something about it.
  10. I had to put this point in LOL, a friend of mine woke up to her boyfriend jacking off to porn right next to her, seriously dude? That’s just wrong we don’t care if you watch porn just don’t jack off to it while we are sleeping next to you. WTF?
  11. Please refrain from asking us if its okay or if we are okay while having sex because we wouldn’t be doing it if we weren’t okay, it’s a turn off. If you want to do something just do it, if we don’t want it we will tell you. Take control too sometimes, it isn’t all about us.
  12. Asking us if we have cum yet, YOU WILL KNOW IF WE HAVE, and if  you ask us, it sets us back and its effing irritating.
  13. If we haven’t cum and you want to PLEASE don’t stop and just freeze up, panicking and trying to prolong the urge, just cum okay, chances are this isn’t the last time you will have sex with us - we are always up for round 2 and 3 and 4 so maybe its best you save your energy.
  14. Don’t assume we like to talk or be cuddled afterwards because we also like to sleep and also couldn’t be bothered to speak to you besides having a hairy arm pit on you or near your face is gross and you probably smell like sweat so go shower.
  15. Please don’t be rough with our clitoris, it is sensitive enough as it is, its not one of those things when the harder you rub it the nicer it feels…
  16. If you want to ‘finger’ us fine, just make sure your hands are clean seriously – and please for godsakes DO NOT try put more fingers in, its painful and it isn’t about the size – seriously – its about our g-spot and stimulating it. If you don’t understand, Google it or something.
  17. Please don’t say you want to “break us” wtf does that mean??? Talking dirty is tricky, if you aren’t an expert don’t do it at all.
  18. Please be a bit more gentle with our boobies, we really hate the feeling of you trying to rip them off. Play nicely J
  19. Whatever you want to do maybe you should ask the chick how she likes it before you assume you doing it right and you are so fucking good at it.

So, lads, I guess that’s that then. Time to learn those lessons and make this Dirty Monkey Dancing experience effing amazing for both parties… And I’ve learned that it would be best if I refrain from laying down such frivolous challenges again…

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Dirty Monkey Dance

Whilst mindlessly surfing the waves of the ‘interweb’ a few years back, I came across a rather humorous and kind-of thought-provoking article, written by a woman. Topic being: the 50 mistakes woman make while having sex. I thought I’d share 35 of the top points - in my opinion, of course. Fortunately, I found this link again recently so I’ll give credit where credit is due. She needs a gold medal or an Oscar for this.

Fuck, even a Grammy…

If you are of a sensitive nature, discontinue reading, fuck off and go surf the net about kittens and sewing patterns. Go off and knit a sweater or whatever it is you do with your spare time. Don’t read this - as you will get your panties all bunched up. It is a little long, but if you are a female, I would love for you to challenge me on any of these points which, keep in mind, have been written by one of your sisters

It’s about time I think that we braved the wild waters of Sex…PG21 LSN. Youngsters, go to bed or wait till your folks aren’t around. Enjoy…

The Top 35 Sex Blunders – Revised by a Guy, Written (Originally) by a Girl as follows:

1. Assuming he can get a raging hard on when it suits you. Contrary to popular belief, men can't just flip a switch and get it up because you decided to stop being a frigid bitch. Getting it hard is your job. I suggest you figure it out.

2. Thinking that kissing needs to be this sweet romantic thing all the time. Sometimes pressing your lips against your partner’s mouth while you get off is very hot. It depends on the situation.

3. Leaving him responsible for your orgasm. You know what gets you off. Tell him. If you don't, it's your own fault when he's snoozing and you're all wound up.

4. Expecting him to fall asleep with you in his arms. That shit is uncomfortable after awhile. A little snuggling isn't unreasonable, but when it's time to actually sleep? An arm draped over you should suffice.

5. Expecting him to always lay on the charm and romance. Sometimes, that's nice. Sometimes. But expecting him to be all roses and candles all the time is like expecting you to act like a pornstar all the time. If you're not willing to do that, don't expect him to switch for you.

6. Being selfish in bed. Regardless of the shit that Cosmo forces down our throats, sex is NOT just about us. Get over it. Or using Cosmo as a sex bible. I don’t know who comes up with half that shit, but I'm pretty sure they need counseling.

7. Whining when he pushes your head down on his cock instead of stroking your hair. Know why he's pushing, skippy? Because you aren't doing it right, and have apparently ignored the other clues he's given you. Pay attention to the signals that he's sending you.

8. Not moving at all. Missionary is not an excuse to do nothing.

9. Allowing your crotch to resemble the amazon. Yes, waxing hurts. Yes, some people don't want to go bare. That’s fine. If you like bush, great. If you have sensitive skin and can't shave, I feel for you. But for the love of Christ, trim that shit if you want him to spend any time down there.

10. Expecting him to figure out what you like by what noise you make. Use your words. Have you ever actually heard what you sound like while you're having sex? If you heard yourself on tape, and someone asked you to explain what was causing you to make that noise, 67% of women would respond with answers like "I stubbed my toe" "I ran up the steps" or "I was putting up drywall".

11. Leaving condoms up to him. If you're sexually active and insist that he uses a condom, I suggest buying a box and keeping it by your bed. Not all men keep them on them, and it's just as much your responsibility as it is his. If you think that makes you a slut, you shouldn't be having sex anyway. Go back to Jr. High.

12. Getting your undies in a bunch when he talks dirty. A little fantasy can be fun. If he treats you with respect all the time, you shouldn't be offended when he calls you his dirty little slut. When he calls you a whore and tells you to come, it’s his way of showing that he cares if you get off. Stop being a sissy.

13. Refusing to be spontaneous. I know this is shocking, but sometimes sex OUTSIDE of the bedroom is fun.

14. Dissing quickies because it's not some slow sensual ordeal. Sex is a dynamic thing. There’s an awesome raw energy when you only have 20 minutes but having to have someone so bad that you do it half clothed against the wall. Readjust your thinking.

15. Being too much of a pussy to tell him what is or isn't acceptable before you start bumping uglies. Be honest. If he asks if he can poke you in the butt, and you giggle and say no like it's an invitation, don't look surprised when he "accidentally" sticks his cock in your butt.

16. Expecting him to undress you. I put a bra on almost every day. I know for a fact that getting them off isn't always easy. Help a brother out.

17. Refusing to get on top. There’s no reason men should have to do all the work.

18. Getting that bored look on your face. Men are more visual than women. Give him something to look at. Get on top and arch your back a little bit. Move. Do something to indicate that you 1) are not dead and 2) didn't suffer a minor stroke rendering you unable to move.

19. Expecting him to do all the touching when you're riding him. It's your body, you're used to it. Play with your tits, rub your clit, do something to make his job easier.

20. Being too afraid to guide your partner's hand when he’s touching you. Don't like the way he's doing it? Gently take his hand and show him how you like it.

21. Getting into bed, getting naked, fooling around and then deciding that you just want to cuddle, then getting offended when he doesn't. It’s your choice to stop, but don't look all fucking surprised when he's confused. You got him naked in your bed, what else did you think was going to happen?

22. Refusing to let him take control. So you’re a feminist. Big fucking deal. Letting him call the shots doesn't make you any less of one.

23. Refusing to take control. It’s ok to crawl across a bed to him on all fours, push him down and crawl on top. It's not his responsibility to start things all the time.

24. Forgetting that he has a body that likes to be touched, too. Men have things like backs and shoulders and stomachs and other parts that are fun to kiss and touch. You miss a lot of good places by concentrating solely on his penis.

25. Leaving him to his own devices. Nothing is worse than a girl who gets you most of the way off and then bolts because she doesn't want to deal with the mess.

26. Expecting him to handle you like a porcelain doll. I'd hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you're not going to break, sister. So doing it against the wall gives you a bruise on your shoulder. Look at it later and giggle at the memory.

27. Taking things way too seriously. Sex is funny. Actually it's hilarious. Somewhere along the line, someone is going to fall off of a bed, hit their head on a lighting fixture, accidentally kick a midget or trip over a goat. Its how you deal with it that really matters.

28. Continuing a blow job knowing that you have god awful cotton mouth. Really. Grab a bottle of water.

29. Bitching when you get jizz on you. You're having sex. That will happen. That’s the entire point of sex. Establish where he can and can’t jizz and be done with it. Remember, it tightens the pores.

30. Not making any noises at all. Moan. Scream his name. Something so he knows he's the best you've had, even if he isn't.

31. Faking orgasms. Just. Don't. By faking (IF he believes you) he thinks he's doing everything right. And if he doesn't know its not working, he's not going to change it. Starting a vicious cycle of unfulfilling sex which will eventually be very damaging to his ego.

32. Anything that involves inserting anything into his body that he has not specifically approved before hand. I don't care what Cosmo says, some things are simply not pleasant surprises.

33. Cleaning up after sex. Wiping the splooge off is one thing. But changing the sheets immediately so you can get the other ones in the washer and then sanitizing everything your naked body might have possibly passed by is not the way to do it.

34. Making a big deal out of it if he loses his hard on. This is not an interrogation, or 20 questions. It happens, he's probably mortified and you are NOT helping. Refrain from using phrases like "it happens to every guy". Just move to other activities until it gets hard again, and if it doesn't, get off another way with him. He's still capable of getting you off. Mumbling "Forget it" and rolling over are not ok.

35. Asking questions right afterwards. The woman equivalent of "was it good for you?” Now is not a good time to ask "What this means". Right now, it means he probably needs to take a drink, a leak and a nap, perhaps not in that order.

I do, however, have it on very good authority from a smoking source (lucky me ;) ) that this is only a generalisation and not all woman are guilty of these charges. But, if you do find yourself in violation of the above: let go a little. Sex or lovemaking - whatever term you give the Dirty Monkey Dance - is supposed to be enjoyable so live a little, let go and enjoy the ride…


Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Nothing about Unicorns

Sitting here, staring at the cursor that is blinking away on my screen, almost wishing I would hit the keys to make it work has left me feeling rather confused – it has been a week from hell so far work-wise, but life-wise it’s been fucking amazing!

Thinking about what it takes to make an interesting, worthy piece is kind of a piece in its own. Naturally, there are so many genres to choose from – from  thought-provoking to funny, serious topics, writing that demonstrates my frustration; how is it that, after not writing for a prolonged period of time, one gets rusty - or worse - stuck in a rut, with absolutely no variation of topic?

So, I ask you to please bear with me as I endeavor to get my proverbial groove back with the latest edition of the 123 Chronicles…

I guess it all started yesterday when I ran my ‘mouth’ – well, fingers – off about my sunny disposition I’m experiencing at present, and quoted, in reference to Mythical Ponies, that I sat back and thought, fuck me dude, life is awesome at the moment and I foresee a definite increase in the smile factor.

We get so wrapped up in the 9-5 (7 ‘til 5, in my case) daily grind, and the strive for ‘perfection’, that we often overlook the ability to be all like Whoooa – awesome, life rocks. I’m just going to revel in it for a few, and what a difference it makes when you do. I’m walking around smiling like a retard with a yo-yo. This, I’m pretty sure, can be attributed to an amazing lady that has seriously blown my mind. And she’s appeared in my life along with an attitude change wherein I positively feel that I’m tired of being ‘depro’ and hating life just because one aspect isn’t all sunshine and unicorns.

Work, I feel, is there for a reason but I, for one, am no longer letting it dictate my mind-set and/or happiness. Now, before you all start throwing stones at the hippy, think about it - you have a shit day at work, and when you walk out the office door and switch the torturous fluorescent lights off, do you leave the shitty day behind the door? Nope. You put it in your back pocket and you carry those issues around with you. The drive home takes longer. That twat in the beemer cuts you off. And fuck’s sakes, you’ve burnt the rice. All because of one shitty day at work…Well, I’m starting to think fuck that; I’m going to be happy regardless of circumstance. I have people who love me. I have a roof over my head. I can afford beer and cigarettes. Life is good.

This isn’t a piece about hating work. Instead, it’s about taking pleasure in the small things in life and the uncomplicated joys.

I received a very cool email the other day titled: I’ve learned - and some of the points really resonated with me and have certainly helped with my new outlook on life…

I’ve learned that sometimes you have to put the individual ahead of their actions.
I’ve learned that you can keep going - long after you think you can’t.
I’ve learned that writing, as well as talking, can ease emotional pains.
I’ve learned that you cannot make someone love you.  All you can do is be someone who can be loved.  The rest is up to them.
I’ve learned that no matter how thin you slice it; there are always two sides.
I’ve learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes.  After that, you had better know something.

I’ve started learning (again) in order to make me happy, and the rest – well, the rest can be managed tomorrow. My advice herein is to carry your own good weather around with you and to be grateful, for you never know what is around the corner.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Stimulating the Cochlea

We do most things nowadays via telecommunications. It’s quicker, we become more efficient, and sometimes we forget to spell check. Or even proof read. We’re so used to the QWERTY keyboard and our mobile phones’ keypad that I, for one, often find myself punching the enter button without so much at a glance at what I’ve just typed. We’ve all been made aware of the fact that time is money and therefore we’ve deduced that the speedier we are the more we can get done in the shortest amount of time. It all comes down to productivity. But have you ever done a double take and wondered if what you’ve just said was typed or written in the way that it was meant to be construed? Is the said sent email or IM or SMS actually typed in the positive (or negative, depending) discernable light in which it was intended? We need to be more aware that things such as tone form a huge part of how we as humans actually piece together and understand a statement, question or random muttering uttered from someone else.

Just a recap for those of you who know what the use of tone is meant for and a lesson for those of you (are there any) who don’t, according to Wikipedia: "Tone is the use of pitch in language to distinguish lexical or grammatical meaning—that is, to distinguish or inflect words. All verbal languages use pitch to express emotional and other paralinguistic information, and to convey emphasis, contrast, and other such features in what is called intonation..." 

How do we convey tone, then, through technological language?

Living in this digital age, it is my opinion, and is virtually evident that tone has gone for a ball of shit and all we have at our disposal are a few overused yellow faces for the indication of happiness, anger, boredom and love. (Yes, that stupid little face with the two hearts as eyes) What with all the shortened or abbreviated words (for convenience, and ultimately, productivity, I am aware) such as ‘ur’, acronyms such as ‘lol’, and made up words that have become so widely-used such ‘meh’ – used as a synonym for average – and consequently are listed in American dictionaries (yes, we’re paving the way to a brighter, less articulate future), please tell me how the fuck we are actually meant to understand a received message with all these new-age words in it and know if what we’ve read is how it was meant to be interpreted?
An example of the premature enter punch blunder is ‘the classic drunken text’ – this is when your drunken alter-ego decides to take control of your keyboard or mobile and send potentially embarrassing texts or emails to ex-girlfriends, enemies or friends. No one is exempt from Drunk Ian’s need to let them know exactly what happened that night in great detail. Upon checking those great details the following morning, I’ve experienced it firsthand, you become privy to a screen littered with the funniest shit imaginable – funny to everyone else, except you. Optimistically speaking, your ex might not appreciate the fact you called her out on why she made the relationship fail, but what Drunk Ian texts are the cold hard facts. After all, drunken words are sober thoughts - Or are they?

Another example, which is quite entertaining but entirely pointless, is ‘the classic cyber argument’. This is comprised of – ordered as such – an apology followed by a misconstrued apology-argument. This one’s a cycle which only peters out due to boredom of one party or both, my friends. In my opinion, winning an argument over any digital medium is just like winning a gold medal at the Special Olympics; it doesn’t matter, you’re still ‘special’. Apologies need to be heartfelt or they are just empty words, right? Why are we spending the extra R2 on theoretically misinterpreted texts is we’ve established that the use of tone is what gives words that special (not in the Olympics sense) feel. Make it heartfelt, you thrifty bugger. 

Here’s another example: You have a desire to ask someone out on a date yet lack the ‘cahonies’ to do the face to face thing. So you think, why not send a text? Time = money and you need them dollars, don’t you! Well, if you can’t pluck up the nerve to do it face to face, are you going to sit with your Blackberry under the table and BBM each other the whole time at the plush restaurant you choose to dine at? Now don’t get me wrong - I know that sometimes a well-typed and -timed text message can get you the goods. I’m even sure you get a type of ‘cyber playa’ out there with all the words and skills in a chat room (but when it’s time for aural stimulation, said playa lacks the practice and skill of conversing with anyone other than his granny and is left pissing like a puppy). I say matters of the heart need to be verbalized people. The whole I <3 U thing may work for a while (and seems thoroughly effective regarding your time, I know) but without the tickling of the cochlea, words on a screen are just that - words on a screen.

To put all of this in a neatly wrapped package, it is my opinion that those lines of script that you endlessly type out, day in day out need to be relative. If they’re meant for your chick, they’re meant to be verbalised, not button bashed all over a screen. (This is comparative, of course. If you’re going to see her later and talk with your voice box but just want to say “hi”, then it’s fine) We need to realise that we should value the language, and take the time to talk. It’s one of the greatest gifts we, as humans, have: the ability to speak (true, some people should have that gift taken away). Shout, scream, rage, whisper sweet nothings, and so on. Enjoy the act of talking. Communication between your co-workers, family, friends, and lover is bound to get better if it’s not just texted but spoken, tone interpretation and all.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Running with the Big Dogs

With my 24th birthday having just rolled by, I find myself sitting here contemplatively, pondering over what it is to be a man in these days. I hardly consider myself a boy anymore, but, looking at our gender in this era, I can’t help but wonder if we’d be considered ‘pansies’ by those men before us. Thinking back to the times of old, in comparison to today’s 21st century male, most ‘boys’ my age were out of the Defence Force, hardened after ‘af kak’ and P.T and the like. So I put this question out there: What does it take - in the technological age - to become a man? Does it include owning a car, having your own lavish place fitted with the latest in high tech gadgets? Strings of failed relationships? World travels?

It’s evident that nowadays, we are faced with work stresses, social intricacies and relationship dances from a younger age. I'm sure if we’d lived 20 years ago it would all seem ‘alien’ and sort of unnatural. We seem to be far more grown up these days but, dare I say it, far less mature in our decisions and actions.

I admit that I hardly feel older than the day I stepped out into my teens. Sure, I've learnt some things and my vocab has grown and I have to shave every day: but are these things worthy of being characteristics that classify a ‘man’? I can change a plug, fix a car, light a fire and braai meat. Do these things make me a man in the world’s eyes? I still want to go karting at any given moment, play putt-putt and trivial pranks...

Which makes me think that, although these things seem immature to some, that which actually makes the difference is not what we do or how we do it, but comes down to how we conduct ourselves, what our attitudes reflect and effect, what our decisions at crucial times are and the way that we treat people who are deemed ‘inferior’ to us. In my opinion: That is how we measure whether or not we are men. Men of this new digital age.

This saying rings true for me: "If you want to run with the big dogs, then don't piss like a puppy.” If you wish to be a man then my advice is to grow a pair and start acting like one. While watching the Green Mile last night, I saw a perfect example of ‘running with the big dogs’ and one of ‘pissing like a puppy’. The antagonist, Percy, is grabbed by ‘Wild Bill’ and pisses his pants after trying to exert his bought authority.

After asking a few of my friends what their opinions on what it takes in this age to be a man, I found a variety of answers:
  • "Taking responsibility for your actions, facing your fears"
  • "Respect"
  • "Being a real man doesn't mean you fuck 100 girls. Being a real man means you fight for one girl, even when 99 others are chasing you."
  • "A man is a person who in every situation thinks of others and does what is needed in a bad situation to pull others through"
  • “I think, nowadays, being a man and being a woman are pretty much the same though I guess a few key elements still exist from the pre-feminism days.”
  • "Having a penis"
  • "Successful in whatever you take on and compassionate and caring in a relationship"
  • "Loyalty, honesty, and living with the decisions you make in life. There are not many people you can trust now days."

What better way for a man to know he is a man than to get an opinion from the fairer sex:

"Men are destined to live hard and die young. That is not to say this is how things are done in our modern cultures. All too often humans forget that they are indeed mammals created by and of this planet to exist on this planet. I believe a man is meant to be one who assumes responsibility for his actions and destiny, and if he is in a position of authority, does the same for those who he is responsible for. A man doesn’t point and make excuses, he recognizes and fixes if allowed. A man shows emotion. A man is truthful even though the truth hurts. A man is kind in the face of adversity and doesn’t freak out. He treats all people with respect no matter how hard it may be. To be a man is to have knowledge of one’s desires, the courage to pursue those desires, and the willpower to make real those desires, regardless of obstacles and resistance from others. That, and the ability to piss wherever, and whenever he pleases."

I think Eric Sevareid said it best “Men want power in order to do something. Boys want power in order to be something.” 

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Heart String Persuasion

With many new exciting avenues of life ever opening and closing around us, I wonder to myself why we still tend to delay our own happiness. In this piece, I delve into the mystery of the 'modern' human's psyche and that odd-but-strangely-self-empowering denial of our own feelings.  More specifically one of the purest forms of happiness: the big L word...

(Love - not lesbians for you Scott Pilgrim addicts out there) 

I do believe that just as the art of correspondence has died, so has the art of realism; as the 'cyber age' continually revolves and evolves around us - resulting in the disintegration of the truest form of vulnerability: speaking from the heart. It's all digitally-delayed responses and too much time given for analysis and thought - instead of real, honest, have-some-balls truth. The saying "Follow your heart" was not initially denoted to mean "Let me think about it for two weeks as we chat and feel our way over skype, Facebook, BBM and I.M" I see this world of technology, and as much as we rely on it, there's an evil in everything truly phenomenal. No longer forced into  blind leaps of faith for lack of mulling-over time, people are given time to over-ponder the simplest emotions, terrified of what might happen. "I may get hurt", "I may hurt her"... How is that train of thought remotely spontaneous, exciting, honeymoon-ish? How is it that we have adopted such a cowardly outlook on something that is supposed to be the purest form of any drug imaginable: the ultimate, euphoric, endorphin-releasing, hypnotic plunge into love?

I have been faced with the desire to say many things that, when revised in my mind, I had realised would have lead to awkward looks, fumbled excuses of "I didn't mean it like that"/ "I don't know what came over me, that's not what I meant to say at all." I choose to keep my mouth closed and bottle up what I truly want to say. Why? I cannot answer this question myself and neither for you, dear reader, but after having read "Man and Boy" by Tony Parsons (which has been recommended to me countless times by an extremely close friend of mine) has made me question a lot of what I have chosen to withhold.

"Happiness is a butterfly, which when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you" -- Nathaniel Hawthorne

And so, I ponder life - the constant "races" we run: socially, the daily grind, games of love...
How often do we stop for a few seconds and just let realisation come to us? Or love? That's not to say that my advice is to take yourself out of the equation and wait solely for love to do do all the work; a miracle it would be to answer a door to the proverbial 'winds of love'.  I'm not living the script of a Walt Disney production and nor are you. Here we are in the throes of mysterious life and life is what we make of it. As there is but one ticket to this ride, so our existence is short and every moment a chance for improvement of the rest of it.

Utter disregard for something that makes us happy can't be sane, can it? Games of the heart often lead to confusion, the colloquially termed 'mind-fuck' and proverbial head-banging-frustration. We're doing it all wrong. Call me old school, but I'd prefer not to have to look for that prime gazelle at the watering hole (that has over-indulged, or not), get ready to pounce, and hope to high hell she still remembers the spark, let alone me, in the morning. Is this really the 'love' we are all looking for? Have the games of love become this perverted?  I'm imagining a few of you with shaking heads and an expression or thought-pattern that goes something like Love? Pffft not for me.. I'm not the relationship kind of person. So be it, but tell me this doesn't hit home. What has happened to romancing? And the getting to know someone part of 'courting' - that which should but doesn't often any more come before the dirty bedroom antics. It is no wonder divorce rates are climbing and families are falling apart - more so that the good ol' days when divorce was taboo. I look at my family and the fact that my parents have provided for me a truly loving environment with a completely monogamous view on relationships , and I hope for the same for myself when I meet that 'someone' and start a family. 

Flowers. Hand holding. Walks on the beach. (I'm a romantic, I know) What has it been replaced with? Shots of Jagermeister, tequila, and one night stands? Don't get me wrong, I realise romancing in this day and age is no longer even slightly similar to those of Humphrey Bogart and Ilsa Lund. We're not running off together like in the black-and-white movies of old. So I accept that the 'love games' are different, that with time comes change and that with the technological age, so then communication has and will continue to metamorphose. A point to mull over though: has romancing, falling in love and feeling real, honest emotions and then saying them out loud without a second thought evolved to the point where people are terrified to truly love?

So, you caught me. I'm a sucker for romance. And as cliche as this may sound, I'm in it for the love. The old school, open-the-car-door-for-her, let's get know each other better (and not in the filthy sense - well, a little bit of that, too) real, honest, knees-like-jelly love. 

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Little bit of life...

Having not posted in a while has left me feeling more than a little rusty. If truth be told, 5 or 6 unfinished posts litter my desktop all with the promise of being pretty damn amazing. Alas, once inspiration strikes, I've learnt that you should harness it as soon as it gets you, before you're sitting in front of your PC screen with two awesome sentences and little else to write about. This brings me to today's post - having felt the kick and all that!

So, my own website is firmly in the pipelines and I'm starting to pick up little pieces of advice and inspiration often nowadays. I think - it's what you do with that input that counts - and having spoken to a good friend a few nights ago, my mind was opened up to they extent that I now see the bigger picture. Looking ahead, something we think we do, and stopping to smell the roses, leads me to the realisation that the bigger picture, little be fathomed by me, is still in need of another 15 steps toward my anxiously abated destination.

Keeping that in mind, I have a theory: A "2 second rule" - before any reaction we try to take "2 seconds" just to think as far ahead as possible and guess how our actions would effect and affect the person or situation being reacted to. I think that if we used this "rule" for any and all situations that arise in daily life: be it in relationships, the work place or with with mates, taking that 2 seconds to realise that 'shit I don't rate this is gonna work out' and changing course, could and would prevent titanic-ing situations and it would be optional to change said situation to suit all involved. 

Don't get me wrong here. Spontaneity is fucking amazing, as it rightly should be... I'm not implying we should hold back on being spontaneous, but, in situations, where ever possible, (I'm life lesson-ing you here) take the time to just have a think and observe what is actually going on. How many times have you thought to yourself  "FUCK that was stupid, should have thought that through a little better" ?? Hmm?

More often than not I'll find myself over analysing situations to the point where I'll be completely put off an idea - to and fro for a while, while my mind fiddles with the math, only to come full circle and end up going along with whichever vibe it is my mates and 'close personals' are into at the present moment and despite all the brain gymnastics, land up having an off the wall time. Then there are the times when I throw caution to the wind, just don't give a shit and just sort of drift/go with whatever is happening and land up thinking I should have stayed home with a flick or a good book. Life - thou art a sadistic game at times.

I'm guessing - if one reaches the perfect balance between overly-cautious and bordering-on-pure-recklessness - life would reach some sort of Buddhist harmonious balance. Where you could just be and things would be. I could be missing the point altogether here (we can't, of course, predict all outcomes) but it feels so good to have written something again.

So it's weekend, I, for one, don't need 2 seconds to know that it's going to be a good one!