This isn't an office. It's HELL with fluorescent lighting:

This month, we've gone over the absurdity of childhood, the watering hole debacles, the effects of alcohol and the general attitudes of cliques in our general surroundings.
Now, I request we discuss that which we all dread, that which drives us to consume fermented veg, that which should be spoken about as is Potter's Nemesis:

Work:
(n) A form of torture developed by stupid people who have nothing better to do in their lives.
They take no interest in anything else other than "Getting the project in on time."
(v) To partake in this torture.

Unfortunately, we all have to do it, if we want to eat and pay rent, etc so I want to make your day more bearable.

It's never easy, and we all lose it every once in a while, so firstly, I give you tips on how to maintain your composure until tonight, when we will lose our minds in shooters and half-naked ladies.

I speak from experience, when I say, it is VERY hard to assert myself, when frustrated, in the best manner.

We all know it is so easy to mouth off when pissed off, so here are a few alternative phrases to use in order to KEEP YOUR JOB...

Thank you, pottymouth:

1.Try Saying: I think you could do with more training
Instead Of: You don't have a fucking clue, do you?

2.Try Saying: She's an aggressive go-getter.
Instead Of: She's a fucking power-crazy bitch

3.Try Saying: Perhaps I can work late
Instead Of: And when the fuck do you expect me to do this?

4.Try Saying: I'm certain that isn't feasible
Instead Of: Fuck off arsehole

5.Try Saying: Really?
Instead Of: Well fuck me backwards with a telegraph pole

6.Try Saying: Perhaps you should check with...
Instead Of: Tell someone who gives a fuck.

7.Try Saying: I wasn't involved in the project.
Instead Of: Not my fucking problem.

8.Try Saying: That's interesting.
Instead Of: What the fuck?

9.Try Saying: I'm not sure this can be implemented within the given timescale.
Instead Of: No fucking chance mate.

10.Try Saying: It will be tight, but I'll try to schedule it in
Instead Of: Why the fuck didn't you tell me that yesterday?

11.Try Saying: Excuse me, sir?
Instead Of: Oi, fuck face.

12.Try Saying: Of course, I was only going to be at home anyway
Instead Of: Yeah, who needs fucking holidays anyway.

Also, this doesn't work: "Okay, okay! I take it back. Unfuck you!!!"

We must remember that in order to get to the top, we must sleep with management. Kidding. But seriously, how are we going to get up there?



Enough with the composure. How boring of me. We need to entertain ourselves in this concrete hell, don't we?

If you're feeling bored and daring at work today, here are a few things that could most probably make your day (they made mine)...

Causing shit with colleagues:

1.To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
2.Leave your fly open for an hour. If anyone points it out, say, "Sorry, I really prefer it this way".
3.Don't use any punctuation or capital letters.
4.Use your highlighter pen on the computer screen
5.Drink directly from the water cooler nozzle.
6.Every time you get an email, shout ''email''.
7.Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Then switch to espresso.
8.Call the I.T. helpdesk and tell them that you can't seem to access any pornography web sites.
9.For an hour, call everyone you speak to as "Dave".
10.At the end of every sentence, say 'Mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. E.g. "The report's on your desk, Mon." Do this for an hour.
11.As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
12.Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
13.Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on and off 10 times.

I want to know how many of you get away with these. But, PLEASE, don't shoot the instigator, if you get fired.

Edhar Bergen quoted: "Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?" and I agree with him.

Back to work...

Cubicle Coma: When you wake up and feel engergized but as soon as you enter the work place, a wave of exhaustion runs over you and you have trouble staying awake for the rest of your work day. Amazingly, once you leave the hellish work atmosphere, you suddenly feel energized and ready to run a marathon. Thank you Urbandictionary.com