Good day fellow drinkers… As you may remember, the last installment we discussed was the not so new “clique-y” world of the watering holes. In this post I will venture into the effects of the certain “cold ones” we all enjoy.
Non-Drinker: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.
Reality: an illusion due to lack of alcohol
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the delusion that you're tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
Beauty lies in the hands of the beer holder:
Starting with one of the most commonly quaffed beverages, the fifth element after water, fire, earth and wind: (yup, you guessed it) Beer, aka God’s Nectar. This heavenly liquid, best served ice cold on the warmest of days [great in all weather, I confess] is also known as amber brew, ale or barley pop, to name a few synonyms. I could go on for hours, but I shall refrain from assaulting your senses and quite possibly making you drool on your desk. Now, I’ve seen beer connoisseurs, beer pounders and beer sippers. Inevitably, toward the end of the night, you’ll hear one or many mighty belches followed by drunken chuckles. There’s no disputing the fact that beer makes people happy. It is, in fact, quoted by Benjamin Franklin that “Beer is proof that God loves us…”
He who aspires to be a hero must drink brandy:
Are you feeling lucky punk? Have a ‘Branne-en-Coke’ and you’ll feel like you’re on top of the world. [For a while.] Usually, when hitting this fermented fruit juice, your evening will end in either getting knocked the fuck out by a bigger Dutchman than yourself, OR you might hit the ground due to an inability to walk. The thing with a brandy [double] and coke is that it sneaks up on you and ‘donners you stupid’. One minute, you’re sitting with your mates, enjoying the farmyard conversation, the next thing you’re talking moon language and/or wanting to knock out that little moffie at the bar for checking you out.
Yeah, this stuff is potent if abused (hell, who am I kidding), having different effects on girls and boys. Guys tend to believe that they resemble either the Hulk or Arnold Schwarzenegger, except bigger and less Austrian-American. Girls may range from bitchy to the-best-step-up-2-dancers, when under the influence of this spirit, but the general effect of any liquor on the ladies seems to lead to the I-love-everyone and Everyone-is-my-new-best-friend curse. Cute, but irritating? Especially, seeing as I don’t LIKE you.
FYI: A popular drink in Cambodia is Tarantula Brandy. You guessed it - the concoction includes brandy and freshly dead tarantulas. Even worse is the Baby Mouse Liquor found in rural Korea. No need to elaborate. I’ll only tell you that it is fermented for one year.
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade, and add Vodka:
When it comes to distilled potato/grain juice, I’m not the world’s biggest fan, but in our diverse drinking realm: each to their own… Shit, the Russians swear by it, it can’t be all bad, can it? Well, I’ve seen a fair few people after a couple of vodka limes thinking they can speak fluent Russian. The Bloody Mary, the Screwdriver, the Sex on the beach, the White Russian, the Vodka tonic, the Vodkatini, (which ever mix makes the ethanol flavour less potent) seems to turn the most timid of girls into dancers that would put Fiddy Cent’s hoochie mamas to shame. Could this be the miracle drink we’ve all been searching for? Shall we call it Russian courage? Vodka actually has lower levels of impurities that contribute to the after-effects of heavy consumption, and so it is considered among the 'safer' spirits, though not in terms of its powers of intoxication, which, depending on strength, may be considerable.
The morning after a Vodka-induced-semi-coma, I know from experience, leaves you feeling as though you’ve gargled with pure paint stripper. But do the hangovers ever teach us?
Jono Coleman made me laugh: “If you're looking for a great way to destroy brain cells and have a great time all at once then do what I did this week - a one-day intensive course at Vodka University.”
Ride on the Cane Train:
To cane = to consume with vigour
“Chooooooo Chooo”
I’m pretty sure we’ve all heard this dreaded sound closely followed by a haze of (did that really happen) memories, possible injuries and one hell of a good time. Cane and Crème Soda is the Englishman’s Brandy and Coke and is usually abused during happy hours at clubs where Young 'Uns are plentiful in numbers. Most of the clubs in Stellies offer this drink at a phenomenally low price of R12 for a double – now that shit is CRAZY. Don’t take more than R50 when jolling in Stellenbosch. R80 if you smoke cigarettes. Cane also likes to devour people’s memories (is this a common trend with alcohol? ;-)), and is best consumed in moderation. (Kidding)
Cane makes other people seem more interesting and transforms unattractive girls into supermodels. I’ve heard of a foolproof plan to avoid making disastrous mistakes such as waking up next to Agnes. At the beginning of the night, have a look around the pub and find the least good looking chick around. Memorise what she’s wearing and who she’s with, and try to stay close to her for as long as possible without looking pervy and/or strange. When she starts looking vaguely attractive, it’s time to call it a night, pick up your shit, and leave.”
What confusion and mischief your sly, rebellious drops do generate:
Next up on the list would be that dirty little Mexican: Tequila. Aka The Good Shit. Generally coming out to play after a few draughts, it makes people roll their Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrs, and become more animated. This, ladies and gents, is one refreshing beverage I do not go near! Call me a pussy; I really don’t give a shit. Urbandictionary.com defines it as: “I don’t remember doing that…” and I’ve personally witnessed the memory depleting effect of “To-kill-ya” and the weird and wonderful faces pulled.
Tequila, Scorpion Honey, Harsh Dew of the Doglands, Essence of Aztec, Crema de Cacti, has been defined by the more ‘hardcore’ of my mates as the future of drinking. [So aptly put last night, guys.]
I’ve witnessed anti-tequila friends turn into a tequila queens and kings. It seems the more you give this ‘liquid geometry of passion’, as Tom Robbins defined it, a chance (or several chances), the more likely the possibility of you enjoying it. Also, you may have killed all your taste buds and actually get pleasure from it in your inebriated state.
I’ve witnessed anti-tequila friends turn into a tequila queens and kings. It seems the more you give this ‘liquid geometry of passion’, as Tom Robbins defined it, a chance (or several chances), the more likely the possibility of you enjoying it. Also, you may have killed all your taste buds and actually get pleasure from it in your inebriated state.
Everybody has to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another drink
Put some hair on your ass:
Jägermeister: It’s all fun and games until the Jager comes out and you end up sexing up fat chicks.*
Now, Jägermeister is not as sneaky as his Mexican counterpart, granted they both arrive looking dangerous. When served this liqueur, one is fully aware that once it’s down the hatch, warmth will spread like wildfire.
Urbandictionary.com defines Jägermeister as: “excellent liquor that tastes like cough syrup and will put some hair on your ass, drink at your own risk”. Jager will give you far too much confidence, allowing you to take great pride in the fact that you found the public restroom and made it back to your original location in one piece. Cockiness is another side-effect; Jägermeister can be called the "liquid asshole" for its ability to turn ordinary people into giant pricks.
This intoxicant is also known for its truth revealing powers and can and should be used at social, corporate or government intelligence gatherings.
Caution: The morning after consuming many of these shooters, one will feel slow, sluggish and just plain awful, regretting most of what was revealed. Also, clothes very possibly may be missing.
"Actually it only takes me one drink to get drunk. The trouble is I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth."
-George Burns
Thank you all, have a good (inebriated) night...
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