"Alcohol may not solve your problems, but neither will water or milk."
I admit, I have been neglecting you, darling, and for that I apologise. Profusely, if you want. I have been RESEARCHING though, so I have been on my sabbatical, you see. I know, I know, recently this blog has made me look a little like an alcoholic. I AM NOT. Alcoholics are quitters. And besides, I don’t drink that much. Cough, cough. No, but really – among my friends I am known as the one who will remember the evening, as my mind doesn’t go to sleep as my friends’ do. I am a responsible drinker, you see. Thanks to my high tolerance and awesome memory. So, as I remember, and put in to practice the majority of the following theories/rules etc, I would like to share them with you, my little monsters, share with you the bountiful knowledge that I’ve accumulated on this sabbatical I’ve had. And hopefully, make up for my absence.
As I know you have missed me dearly.
Let’s get the ball rolling, shall we…
To Be Drunk: Having to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Alcohol Intoxication (synonym for drunk, also known as inebriation) is a physiological state that occurs when a person has a high level of ethanol in their blood. Common symptoms of alcohol intoxication include slurred speech, euphoria, impaired balance, loss of muscle coordination (ataxia), flushed face, reddened eyes, reduced inhibition, and erratic behavior. Thank you, Wikipedia.
Shall we begin with some drinking faux pas/just-plain-funny-fuck-ups? I shan’t chew you out if it turns out you’ve been at the ass end of some of these…
Technology and booze:
I know someone who knows someone (how mysterious am I?) who was out with a friend who asked about a potential ‘squeeze’. Of course, after 25 beers, and the technology of today, one gets quite illustrative and this friend of a friend of a friend (or whatever the relation is) decided that Facebook would be a fun way to demonstrate in the form of a profile picture, what the topic of conversation looks like. Now FOR GOD’S SAKE, don’t try this at home. The name was typed in, and the picture didn’t pop up. In fact, nothing expected occurred. A few sips of a beer and a whinge about how long things take to load blah blah blah later, it came to the friends’ attention that in fact, the name of this person (who, might I add, had only been a recent addition to this friend of friend of friend’s love life) had been typed in to the status bar. Now we know this can be rectified pretty quickly, but, as drunk people do, drunkards involved panicked largely, embarrassed, and a good giggle was had.
Drunk Dialing:
Drunk dialing is a pop-culture term denoting an instance in which an intoxicated individual places phone calls that he or she would not likely place if sober. The term often refers to a lonely individual calling former or current love interests.
Drunk texting is a related phenomenon, and potentially more embarrassing for the sender because once the message is sent, it cannot be retrieved; the message will most likely be misspelled (due to being drunk), and it might be reviewed and shared among many.
Here are some of my personal guidelines for drunk dialing:
It's okay to call someone 27 times in one night. If you don't remember it, it didn't happen.
If you're going to drunk dial a family member, say something nice. E.g. "Mom I'm in McDonald's and they're playing our song. I love you."
Voicemails are always better. This way your friends can let their friends have fun at your expense for days, or even weeks to come.
Drunk texting is OK, but only if you're prepared to read what you wrote the next day when you sober up.
It is definitely a good idea to call all of your exes and remind them that you were the best lover they ever had, and everything they know they learned from you. This way you can all sleep well at night.
You can also call this same ex and let them know, that you know, that they still love you. Then explain that I would still love me too!
It's always a good idea to sing on someone's answering machine or voicemail. Especially a show tune.
Now, people, although it is a common phenomenon, the act of calling someone whilst being intoxicated is VERY controversial. These calls are usually made to someone of the opposite sex or a relative. And can generally result in break ups, make ups or throwing up.
Liquid-in-Nose Laughter:
This is the result of cracking someone up while they are in the process of swallowing or taking a sip of alcohol. Some of us are better at it than others; some people never suffer from this occurrence.
Beer-Goggle-Syndrome:
Scientists have proven that this syndrome is real. Other people do look more attractive to us after a few drinks. To the extreme, one's consumption of alcohol makes physically unattractive persons appear beautiful; summed up by the phrase, "there are no ugly women at closing time". This alcohol induced condition of the eyes will usually have you waking up next to someone who is a few times larger than the night before, a lot less pretty, and, unfortunately, naked, having you wonder why/how you got here and of course, how the fuck am I gonna get outta here in the next 10 seconds?
Afterthought: "Drunk chicks think I'm hot."
Designated Drunk Driver:
The guy with the best motor-skills and coordination under the influence of a lot of alcohol out of all the dudes you hang out with. You depend on this guy to drive you home when all of you are wasted and you trust him with your life. He should be able to take like 20 brews and still drive you back to base without a fatal accident or getting pulled over.
"Don't drink and drive, you might hit a bump and spill your drink."
Ok, no, I don’t condone the idea of driving while under the influence at all, not only because a night in jail is at the top of my [DON’T-EVER-WANT]TO-DO list, but also because it is dangerous and could be detrimental. It’s an amusing theory though; we all know it has happened to us once or twice – where we’ve had to resort to the DDD rule.
Let me get smart on your ass right now, though, and give you some funny drinking rules that, more importantly than being hilarious, are sharp.
I admit, I have been neglecting you, darling, and for that I apologise. Profusely, if you want. I have been RESEARCHING though, so I have been on my sabbatical, you see. I know, I know, recently this blog has made me look a little like an alcoholic. I AM NOT. Alcoholics are quitters. And besides, I don’t drink that much. Cough, cough. No, but really – among my friends I am known as the one who will remember the evening, as my mind doesn’t go to sleep as my friends’ do. I am a responsible drinker, you see. Thanks to my high tolerance and awesome memory. So, as I remember, and put in to practice the majority of the following theories/rules etc, I would like to share them with you, my little monsters, share with you the bountiful knowledge that I’ve accumulated on this sabbatical I’ve had. And hopefully, make up for my absence.
As I know you have missed me dearly.
Let’s get the ball rolling, shall we…
To Be Drunk: Having to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Alcohol Intoxication (synonym for drunk, also known as inebriation) is a physiological state that occurs when a person has a high level of ethanol in their blood. Common symptoms of alcohol intoxication include slurred speech, euphoria, impaired balance, loss of muscle coordination (ataxia), flushed face, reddened eyes, reduced inhibition, and erratic behavior. Thank you, Wikipedia.
Shall we begin with some drinking faux pas/just-plain-funny-fuck-ups? I shan’t chew you out if it turns out you’ve been at the ass end of some of these…
Technology and booze:
I know someone who knows someone (how mysterious am I?) who was out with a friend who asked about a potential ‘squeeze’. Of course, after 25 beers, and the technology of today, one gets quite illustrative and this friend of a friend of a friend (or whatever the relation is) decided that Facebook would be a fun way to demonstrate in the form of a profile picture, what the topic of conversation looks like. Now FOR GOD’S SAKE, don’t try this at home. The name was typed in, and the picture didn’t pop up. In fact, nothing expected occurred. A few sips of a beer and a whinge about how long things take to load blah blah blah later, it came to the friends’ attention that in fact, the name of this person (who, might I add, had only been a recent addition to this friend of friend of friend’s love life) had been typed in to the status bar. Now we know this can be rectified pretty quickly, but, as drunk people do, drunkards involved panicked largely, embarrassed, and a good giggle was had.
Drunk Dialing:
Drunk dialing is a pop-culture term denoting an instance in which an intoxicated individual places phone calls that he or she would not likely place if sober. The term often refers to a lonely individual calling former or current love interests.
Drunk texting is a related phenomenon, and potentially more embarrassing for the sender because once the message is sent, it cannot be retrieved; the message will most likely be misspelled (due to being drunk), and it might be reviewed and shared among many.
Here are some of my personal guidelines for drunk dialing:
It's okay to call someone 27 times in one night. If you don't remember it, it didn't happen.
If you're going to drunk dial a family member, say something nice. E.g. "Mom I'm in McDonald's and they're playing our song. I love you."
Voicemails are always better. This way your friends can let their friends have fun at your expense for days, or even weeks to come.
Drunk texting is OK, but only if you're prepared to read what you wrote the next day when you sober up.
It is definitely a good idea to call all of your exes and remind them that you were the best lover they ever had, and everything they know they learned from you. This way you can all sleep well at night.
You can also call this same ex and let them know, that you know, that they still love you. Then explain that I would still love me too!
It's always a good idea to sing on someone's answering machine or voicemail. Especially a show tune.
Now, people, although it is a common phenomenon, the act of calling someone whilst being intoxicated is VERY controversial. These calls are usually made to someone of the opposite sex or a relative. And can generally result in break ups, make ups or throwing up.
Liquid-in-Nose Laughter:
This is the result of cracking someone up while they are in the process of swallowing or taking a sip of alcohol. Some of us are better at it than others; some people never suffer from this occurrence.
Beer-Goggle-Syndrome:
Scientists have proven that this syndrome is real. Other people do look more attractive to us after a few drinks. To the extreme, one's consumption of alcohol makes physically unattractive persons appear beautiful; summed up by the phrase, "there are no ugly women at closing time". This alcohol induced condition of the eyes will usually have you waking up next to someone who is a few times larger than the night before, a lot less pretty, and, unfortunately, naked, having you wonder why/how you got here and of course, how the fuck am I gonna get outta here in the next 10 seconds?
Afterthought: "Drunk chicks think I'm hot."
Designated Drunk Driver:
The guy with the best motor-skills and coordination under the influence of a lot of alcohol out of all the dudes you hang out with. You depend on this guy to drive you home when all of you are wasted and you trust him with your life. He should be able to take like 20 brews and still drive you back to base without a fatal accident or getting pulled over.
"Don't drink and drive, you might hit a bump and spill your drink."
Ok, no, I don’t condone the idea of driving while under the influence at all, not only because a night in jail is at the top of my [DON’T-EVER-WANT]TO-DO list, but also because it is dangerous and could be detrimental. It’s an amusing theory though; we all know it has happened to us once or twice – where we’ve had to resort to the DDD rule.
Let me get smart on your ass right now, though, and give you some funny drinking rules that, more importantly than being hilarious, are sharp.
- If you owe someone money, always pay them back in a bar - preferably during happy hour.
- Buying a strange woman a drink is still cool. Buying all her drinks is dumb.
- If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she refuses, she does not like you. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she accepts, she still might not like you.
- After your sixth drink, do not look at yourself in the mirror. It will shake your confidence.
- If you think you might be slurring a little, then you are slurring a lot. If you think you are slurring a lot, then you are not speaking English.
- Asking a bartender what beers are on tap when the handles are right in front of you is the equivalent of saying, "I'm an idiot."
- If there is ever any confusion, the fuller beer is yours.
Have fun, kids. Go kick some ass.
P.S. "An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do."
Cool stuff boy... keep 'em comin!
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