Challenge Accepted

There is something about the phrase ‘I would love for you to challenge me’ that has led to this insightful response to my “Dirty Monkey Dance” piece…

I would even go so far as to say to the guys that there is shit to learn herein, so be a little more conscious of what your ladies needs are…

And so, I present:

The Top 25 Sex Blunders – Compiled by a Real Woman in Response to the revised 35 Sex Blunders Qualified and Posted by a Guy & Written (originally) by a Woman as follows:

1. Please realise that we DO NOT like our nipples being bitten or sucked so hard *cringe* - Don’t ‘latch on’.

2. Hickeys are for teenagers. Just don’t.
3. Please take your socks off, you look dumb naked just wearing socks.
4. Please don’t ask us how it was for us afterwards, if we haven’t told you it was great/amazing or if we aren’t wanting to do it again - that obviously means it  either sucked or we have had better, deal with it.
5. If we giving you a blowjob and you are forcing our heads further down its actually insulting, some of us can deep throat and some of us cant, don’t push our heads further down, let us do our thing we all have our unique techniques, unless you want to be thrown up on, which is a whole other fetish that maybe some of us are into, I would advise you not to assume we are.

6. Please stop pretending you’re in some porn movie because you are not, yes we can get dirty and even watch porn while we do it, but we can tell if you feel as though you are a porn star by body language – don’t flatter yourself dude, looking at your reflection, flexing your biceps… What a turn off.

7. Apologizing for the size of your penis is just pathetic. Just in case you ever feel inclined to apologize for not matching up to the guys in porno’s, just remember: 98% of women would rather have a sensitive lover than one with a big penis.
8. Anal and doing it by "accident" – after we said no we DON’T want to do anal (we know it wasn’t a accident buddy), some of us are into this and some of us aren’t, please don’t BEG us to do so while having sex, and if you need some advice, ask us to do anal when we are drunk, chances are we will do it !! When we are drunk we are up to almost anything, I’d say, save your dirty fantasies for when we are drunk I can guarantee you 9 out of 10 we will do whatever you want us to.
9. Slapping our ass is weird.
10. Making weird noises like a girl is a no-no especially if its right in our ear.
11. Lying on top of us without supporting your weight on your arms suffocates us, if you are lank heavy please try not to suffocate us so that we are struggling to breathe…
12. Don’t grind us through our clothes so hard and think its hot – it isn’t, its actually really painful.
13. It is THE most annoying thing when a guy changes the position just before we about to climax, come on cant you see that we are satisfied with what you are doing why change it and piss us off, you’re supposed to be in tune with us we will do things like hold you there or scratch your back, that usually means we like!
14. Facial expressions – Please try not to look like you think you’re a porn star or like you’re constipated you’re supposed to be looking attractive remember.
15. Sweating and it drips on us - *puke* - Do something about it.
16. I had to put this point in LOL, a friend of mine woke up to her boyfriend jacking off to porn right next to her, seriously dude? That’s just wrong we don’t care if you watch porn just don’t jack off to it while we are sleeping next to you. WTF?
17. Please refrain from asking us if its okay or if we are okay while having sex because we wouldn’t be doing it if we weren’t okay, it’s a turn off. If you want to do something just do it, if we don’t want it we will tell you. Take control too sometimes, it isn’t all about us.
18. Asking us if we have cum yet, YOU WILL KNOW IF WE HAVE, and if  you ask us, it sets us back and its effing irritating.
19. If we haven’t cum and you want to PLEASE don’t stop and just freeze up, panicking and trying to prolong the urge, just cum okay, chances are this isn’t the last time you will have sex with us - we are always up for round 2 and 3 and 4 so maybe its best you save your energy.
20. Don’t assume we like to talk or be cuddled afterwards because we also like to sleep and also couldn’t be bothered to speak to you besides having a hairy arm pit on you or near your face is gross and you probably smell like sweat so go shower.
21. Please don’t be rough with our clitoris, it is sensitive enough as it is, its not one of those things when the harder you rub it the nicer it feels…
22. If you want to ‘finger’ us fine, just make sure your hands are clean seriously – and please for godsakes DO NOT try put more fingers in, its painful and it isn’t about the size – seriously – its about our g-spot and stimulating it. If you don’t understand, Google it or something.
23. Please don’t say you want to “break us” wtf does that mean??? Talking dirty is tricky, if you aren’t an expert don’t do it at all.
24. Please be a bit more gentle with our boobies, we really hate the feeling of you trying to rip them off. Play nicely J
25. Whatever you want to do maybe you should ask the chick how she likes it before you assume you doing it right and you are so fucking good at it.

So, lads, I guess that’s that then. Time to learn those lessons and make this Dirty Monkey Dancing experience effing amazing for both parties… And I’ve learned that it would be best if I refrain from laying down such frivolous challenges again…

Dirty Monkey Dance

Whilst mindlessly surfing the waves of the ‘interweb’ a few years back, I came across a rather humorous and kind-of thought-provoking article, written by a woman. Topic being: the 50 mistakes woman make while having sex. I thought I’d share 35 of the top points - in my opinion, of course. Fortunately, I found this link again recently so I’ll give credit where credit is due. She needs a gold medal or an Oscar for this.

Fuck, even a Grammy…

If you are of a sensitive nature, discontinue reading, fuck off and go surf the net about kittens and sewing patterns. Go off and knit a sweater or whatever it is you do with your spare time. Don’t read this - as you will get your panties all bunched up. It is a little long, but if you are a female, I would love for you to challenge me on any of these points which, keep in mind, have been written by one of your sisters

It’s about time I think that we braved the wild waters of Sex…PG21 LSN. Youngsters, go to bed or wait till your folks aren’t around. Enjoy…

The Top 35 Sex Blunders – Revised by a Guy, Written (Originally) by a Girl as follows:

1. Assuming he can get a raging hard on when it suits you. Contrary to popular belief, men can't just flip a switch and get it up because you decided to stop being a frigid bitch. Getting it hard is your job. I suggest you figure it out.

2. Thinking that kissing needs to be this sweet romantic thing all the time. Sometimes pressing your lips against your partner’s mouth while you get off is very hot. It depends on the situation.

3. Leaving him responsible for your orgasm. You know what gets you off. Tell him. If you don't, it's your own fault when he's snoozing and you're all wound up.

4. Expecting him to fall asleep with you in his arms. That shit is uncomfortable after awhile. A little snuggling isn't unreasonable, but when it's time to actually sleep? An arm draped over you should suffice.

5. Expecting him to always lay on the charm and romance. Sometimes, that's nice. Sometimes. But expecting him to be all roses and candles all the time is like expecting you to act like a pornstar all the time. If you're not willing to do that, don't expect him to switch for you.

6. Being selfish in bed. Regardless of the shit that Cosmo forces down our throats, sex is NOT just about us. Get over it. Or using Cosmo as a sex bible. I don’t know who comes up with half that shit, but I'm pretty sure they need counseling.

7. Whining when he pushes your head down on his cock instead of stroking your hair. Know why he's pushing, skippy? Because you aren't doing it right, and have apparently ignored the other clues he's given you. Pay attention to the signals that he's sending you.

8. Not moving at all. Missionary is not an excuse to do nothing.

9. Allowing your crotch to resemble the amazon. Yes, waxing hurts. Yes, some people don't want to go bare. That’s fine. If you like bush, great. If you have sensitive skin and can't shave, I feel for you. But for the love of Christ, trim that shit if you want him to spend any time down there.


10. Expecting him to figure out what you like by what noise you make. Use your words. Have you ever actually heard what you sound like while you're having sex? If you heard yourself on tape, and someone asked you to explain what was causing you to make that noise, 67% of women would respond with answers like "I stubbed my toe" "I ran up the steps" or "I was putting up drywall".

11. Leaving condoms up to him. If you're sexually active and insist that he uses a condom, I suggest buying a box and keeping it by your bed. Not all men keep them on them, and it's just as much your responsibility as it is his. If you think that makes you a slut, you shouldn't be having sex anyway. Go back to Jr. High.

12. Getting your undies in a bunch when he talks dirty. A little fantasy can be fun. If he treats you with respect all the time, you shouldn't be offended when he calls you his dirty little slut. When he calls you a whore and tells you to come, it’s his way of showing that he cares if you get off. Stop being a sissy.

13. Refusing to be spontaneous. I know this is shocking, but sometimes sex OUTSIDE of the bedroom is fun.

14. Dissing quickies because it's not some slow sensual ordeal. Sex is a dynamic thing. There’s an awesome raw energy when you only have 20 minutes but having to have someone so bad that you do it half clothed against the wall. Readjust your thinking.

15. Being too much of a pussy to tell him what is or isn't acceptable before you start bumping uglies. Be honest. If he asks if he can poke you in the butt, and you giggle and say no like it's an invitation, don't look surprised when he "accidentally" sticks his cock in your butt.

16. Expecting him to undress you. I put a bra on almost every day. I know for a fact that getting them off isn't always easy. Help a brother out.


17. Refusing to get on top. There’s no reason men should have to do all the work.

18. Getting that bored look on your face. Men are more visual than women. Give him something to look at. Get on top and arch your back a little bit. Move. Do something to indicate that you 1) are not dead and 2) didn't suffer a minor stroke rendering you unable to move.

19. Expecting him to do all the touching when you're riding him. It's your body, you're used to it. Play with your tits, rub your clit, do something to make his job easier.

20. Being too afraid to guide your partner's hand when he’s touching you. Don't like the way he's doing it? Gently take his hand and show him how you like it.

21. Getting into bed, getting naked, fooling around and then deciding that you just want to cuddle, then getting offended when he doesn't. It’s your choice to stop, but don't look all fucking surprised when he's confused. You got him naked in your bed, what else did you think was going to happen?

22. Refusing to let him take control. So you’re a feminist. Big fucking deal. Letting him call the shots doesn't make you any less of one.

23. Refusing to take control. It’s ok to crawl across a bed to him on all fours, push him down and crawl on top. It's not his responsibility to start things all the time.

24. Forgetting that he has a body that likes to be touched, too. Men have things like backs and shoulders and stomachs and other parts that are fun to kiss and touch. You miss a lot of good places by concentrating solely on his penis.

25. Leaving him to his own devices. Nothing is worse than a girl who gets you most of the way off and then bolts because she doesn't want to deal with the mess.

26. Expecting him to handle you like a porcelain doll. I'd hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you're not going to break, sister. So doing it against the wall gives you a bruise on your shoulder. Look at it later and giggle at the memory.

27. Taking things way too seriously. Sex is funny. Actually it's hilarious. Somewhere along the line, someone is going to fall off of a bed, hit their head on a lighting fixture, accidentally kick a midget or trip over a goat. Its how you deal with it that really matters.

28. Continuing a blow job knowing that you have god awful cotton mouth. Really. Grab a bottle of water.

29. Bitching when you get jizz on you. You're having sex. That will happen. That’s the entire point of sex. Establish where he can and can’t jizz and be done with it. Remember, it tightens the pores.

30. Not making any noises at all. Moan. Scream his name. Something so he knows he's the best you've had, even if he isn't.

31. Faking orgasms. Just. Don't. By faking (IF he believes you) he thinks he's doing everything right. And if he doesn't know its not working, he's not going to change it. Starting a vicious cycle of unfulfilling sex which will eventually be very damaging to his ego.

32. Anything that involves inserting anything into his body that he has not specifically approved before hand. I don't care what Cosmo says, some things are simply not pleasant surprises.

33. Cleaning up after sex. Wiping the splooge off is one thing. But changing the sheets immediately so you can get the other ones in the washer and then sanitizing everything your naked body might have possibly passed by is not the way to do it.

34. Making a big deal out of it if he loses his hard on. This is not an interrogation, or 20 questions. It happens, he's probably mortified and you are NOT helping. Refrain from using phrases like "it happens to every guy". Just move to other activities until it gets hard again, and if it doesn't, get off another way with him. He's still capable of getting you off. Mumbling "Forget it" and rolling over are not ok.

35. Asking questions right afterwards. The woman equivalent of "was it good for you?” Now is not a good time to ask "What this means". Right now, it means he probably needs to take a drink, a leak and a nap, perhaps not in that order.

I do, however, have it on very good authority from a smoking source (lucky me ;) ) that this is only a generalisation and not all woman are guilty of these charges. But, if you do find yourself in violation of the above: let go a little. Sex or lovemaking - whatever term you give the Dirty Monkey Dance - is supposed to be enjoyable so live a little, let go and enjoy the ride…

;)

Nothing about Unicorns

Sitting here, staring at the cursor that is blinking away on my screen, almost wishing I would hit the keys to make it work has left me feeling rather confused – it has been a week from hell so far work-wise, but life-wise it’s been fucking amazing!

Thinking about what it takes to make an interesting, worthy piece is kind of a piece in its own. Naturally, there are so many genres to choose from – from  thought-provoking to funny, serious topics, writing that demonstrates my frustration; how is it that, after not writing for a prolonged period of time, one gets rusty - or worse - stuck in a rut, with absolutely no variation of topic?

So, I ask you to please bear with me as I endeavor to get my proverbial groove back with the latest edition of the 123 Chronicles…

I guess it all started yesterday when I ran my ‘mouth’ – well, fingers – off about my sunny disposition I’m experiencing at present, and quoted, in reference to Mythical Ponies, that I sat back and thought, fuck me dude, life is awesome at the moment and I foresee a definite increase in the smile factor.

We get so wrapped up in the 9-5 (7 ‘til 5, in my case) daily grind, and the strive for ‘perfection’, that we often overlook the ability to be all like Whoooa – awesome, life rocks. I’m just going to revel in it for a few, and what a difference it makes when you do. I’m walking around smiling like a retard with a yo-yo. This, I’m pretty sure, can be attributed to an amazing lady that has seriously blown my mind. And she’s appeared in my life along with an attitude change wherein I positively feel that I’m tired of being ‘depro’ and hating life just because one aspect isn’t all sunshine and unicorns.

Work, I feel, is there for a reason but I, for one, am no longer letting it dictate my mind-set and/or happiness. Now, before you all start throwing stones at the hippy, think about it - you have a shit day at work, and when you walk out the office door and switch the torturous fluorescent lights off, do you leave the shitty day behind the door? Nope. You put it in your back pocket and you carry those issues around with you. The drive home takes longer. That twat in the beemer cuts you off. And fuck’s sakes, you’ve burnt the rice. All because of one shitty day at work…Well, I’m starting to think fuck that; I’m going to be happy regardless of circumstance. I have people who love me. I have a roof over my head. I can afford beer and cigarettes. Life is good.

This isn’t a piece about hating work. Instead, it’s about taking pleasure in the small things in life and the uncomplicated joys.

I received a very cool email the other day titled: I’ve learned - and some of the points really resonated with me and have certainly helped with my new outlook on life…

I’ve learned that sometimes you have to put the individual ahead of their actions.

I’ve learned that you can keep going - long after you think you can’t.

I’ve learned that writing, as well as talking, can ease emotional pains.

I’ve learned that you cannot make someone love you.  All you can do is be someone who can be loved.  The rest is up to them.

I’ve learned that no matter how thin you slice it; there are always two sides.

I’ve learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes.  After that, you had better know something.

I’ve started learning (again) in order to make me happy, and the rest – well, the rest can be managed tomorrow. My advice herein is to carry your own good weather around with you and to be grateful, for you never know what is around the corner.

Stimulating the Cochlea

We do most things nowadays via telecommunications. It’s quicker, we become more efficient, and sometimes we forget to spell check. Or even proof read. We’re so used to the QWERTY keyboard and our mobile phones’ keypad that I, for one, often find myself punching the enter button without so much at a glance at what I’ve just typed. We’ve all been made aware of the fact that time is money and therefore we’ve deduced that the speedier we are the more we can get done in the shortest amount of time. It all comes down to productivity. But have you ever done a double take and wondered if what you’ve just said was typed or written in the way that it was meant to be construed? Is the said sent email or IM or SMS actually typed in the positive (or negative, depending) discernable light in which it was intended? We need to be more aware that things such as tone form a huge part of how we as humans actually piece together and understand a statement, question or random muttering uttered from someone else.

Just a recap for those of you who know what the use of tone is meant for and a lesson for those of you (are there any) who don’t, according to Wikipedia: "Tone is the use of pitch in language to distinguish lexical or grammatical meaning—that is, to distinguish or inflect words. All verbal languages use pitch to express emotional and other paralinguistic information, and to convey emphasis, contrast, and other such features in what is called intonation..." 

How do we convey tone, then, through technological language?

Living in this digital age, it is my opinion, and is virtually evident that tone has gone for a ball of shit and all we have at our disposal are a few overused yellow faces for the indication of happiness, anger, boredom and love. (Yes, that stupid little face with the two hearts as eyes) What with all the shortened or abbreviated words (for convenience, and ultimately, productivity, I am aware) such as ‘ur’, acronyms such as ‘lol’, and made up words that have become so widely-used such ‘meh’ – used as a synonym for average – and consequently are listed in American dictionaries (yes, we’re paving the way to a brighter, less articulate future), please tell me how the fuck we are actually meant to understand a received message with all these new-age words in it and know if what we’ve read is how it was meant to be interpreted?

An example of the premature enter punch blunder is ‘the classic drunken text’ – this is when your drunken alter-ego decides to take control of your keyboard or mobile and send potentially embarrassing texts or emails to ex-girlfriends, enemies or friends. No one is exempt from Drunk Ian’s need to let them know exactly what happened that night in great detail. Upon checking those great details the following morning, I’ve experienced it firsthand, you become privy to a screen littered with the funniest shit imaginable – funny to everyone else, except you. Optimistically speaking, your ex might not appreciate the fact you called her out on why she made the relationship fail, but what Drunk Ian texts are the cold hard facts. After all, drunken words are sober thoughts - Or are they?

Another example, which is quite entertaining but entirely pointless, is ‘the classic cyber argument’. This is comprised of – ordered as such – an apology followed by a misconstrued apology-argument. This one’s a cycle which only peters out due to boredom of one party or both, my friends. In my opinion, winning an argument over any digital medium is just like winning a gold medal at the Special Olympics; it doesn’t matter, you’re still ‘special’. Apologies need to be heartfelt or they are just empty words, right? Why are we spending the extra R2 on theoretically misinterpreted texts is we’ve established that the use of tone is what gives words that special (not in the Olympics sense) feel. Make it heartfelt, you thrifty bugger. 

Here’s another example: You have a desire to ask someone out on a date yet lack the ‘cahonies’ to do the face to face thing. So you think, why not send a text? Time = money and you need them dollars, don’t you! Well, if you can’t pluck up the nerve to do it face to face, are you going to sit with your Blackberry under the table and BBM each other the whole time at the plush restaurant you choose to dine at? Now don’t get me wrong - I know that sometimes a well-typed and -timed text message can get you the goods. I’m even sure you get a type of ‘cyber playa’ out there with all the words and skills in a chat room (but when it’s time for aural stimulation, said playa lacks the practice and skill of conversing with anyone other than his granny and is left pissing like a puppy). I say matters of the heart need to be verbalized people. The whole I <3 U thing may work for a while (and seems thoroughly effective regarding your time, I know) but without the tickling of the cochlea, words on a screen are just that - words on a screen.

To put all of this in a neatly wrapped package, it is my opinion that those lines of script that you endlessly type out, day in day out need to be relative. If they’re meant for your chick, they’re meant to be verbalised, not button bashed all over a screen. (This is comparative, of course. If you’re going to see her later and talk with your voice box but just want to say “hi”, then it’s fine) We need to realise that we should value the language, and take the time to talk. It’s one of the greatest gifts we, as humans, have: the ability to speak (true, some people should have that gift taken away). Shout, scream, rage, whisper sweet nothings, and so on. Enjoy the act of talking. Communication between your co-workers, family, friends, and lover is bound to get better if it’s not just texted but spoken, tone interpretation and all.

Running with the Big Dogs

With my 24^th birthday having just rolled by, I find myself sitting here contemplatively, pondering over what it is to be a man in these days. I hardly consider myself a boy anymore, but, looking at our gender in this era, I can’t help but wonder if we’d be considered ‘pansies’ by those men before us. Thinking back to the times of old, in comparison to today’s 21^st century male, most ‘boys’ my age were out of the Defence Force, hardened after ‘af kak’ and P.T and the like. So I put this question out there: What does it take - in the technological age - to become a man? Does it include owning a car, having your own lavish place fitted with the latest in high tech gadgets? Strings of failed relationships? World travels?

It’s evident that nowadays, we are faced with work stresses, social intricacies and relationship dances from a younger age. I'm sure if we’d lived 20 years ago it would all seem ‘alien’ and sort of unnatural. We seem to be far more grown up these days but, dare I say it, far less mature in our decisions and actions.

I admit that I hardly feel older than the day I stepped out into my teens. Sure, I've learnt some things and my vocab has grown and I have to shave every day: but are these things worthy of being characteristics that classify a ‘man’? I can change a plug, fix a car, light a fire and braai meat. Do these things make me a man in the world’s eyes? I still want to go karting at any given moment, play putt-putt and trivial pranks...

Which makes me think that, although these things seem immature to some, that which actually makes the difference is not what we do or how we do it, but comes down to how we conduct ourselves, what our attitudes reflect and effect, what our decisions at crucial times are and the way that we treat people who are deemed ‘inferior’ to us. In my opinion: That is how we measure whether or not we are men. Men of this new digital age.

This saying rings true for me: "If you want to run with the big dogs, then don't piss like a puppy.” If you wish to be a man then my advice is to grow a pair and start acting like one. While watching the Green Mile last night, I saw a perfect example of ‘running with the big dogs’ and one of ‘pissing like a puppy’. The antagonist, Percy, is grabbed by ‘Wild Bill’ and pisses his pants after trying to exert his bought authority.

After asking a few of my friends what their opinions on what it takes in this age to be a man, I found a variety of answers:

• "Taking responsibility for your actions, facing your fears"
• "Respect"
• "Being a real man doesn't mean you fuck 100 girls. Being a real man means you fight for one girl, even when 99 others are chasing you."
• "A man is a person who in every situation thinks of others and does what is needed in a bad situation to pull others through"
• “I think, nowadays, being a man and being a woman are pretty much the same though I guess a few key elements still exist from the pre-feminism days.”
• "Having a penis"
• "Successful in whatever you take on and compassionate and caring in a relationship"
• "Loyalty, honesty, and living with the decisions you make in life. There are not many people you can trust now days."

What better way for a man to know he is a man than to get an opinion from the fairer sex:

"Men are destined to live hard and die young. That is not to say this is how things are done in our modern cultures. All too often humans forget that they are indeed mammals created by and of this planet to exist on this planet. I believe a man is meant to be one who assumes responsibility for his actions and destiny, and if he is in a position of authority, does the same for those who he is responsible for. A man doesn’t point and make excuses, he recognizes and fixes if allowed. A man shows emotion. A man is truthful even though the truth hurts. A man is kind in the face of adversity and doesn’t freak out. He treats all people with respect no matter how hard it may be. To be a man is to have knowledge of one’s desires, the courage to pursue those desires, and the willpower to make real those desires, regardless of obstacles and resistance from others. That, and the ability to piss wherever, and whenever he pleases."

I think Eric Sevareid said it best “Men want power in order to do something. Boys want power in order to be something.” 

Heart String Persuasion

With many new exciting avenues of life ever opening and closing around us, I wonder to myself why we still tend to delay our own happiness. In this piece, I delve into the mystery of the 'modern' human's psyche and that odd-but-strangely-self-empowering denial of our own feelings.  More specifically one of the purest forms of happiness: the big L word...

(Love - not lesbians for you Scott Pilgrim addicts out there) 

I do believe that just as the art of correspondence has died, so has the art of realism; as the 'cyber age' continually revolves and evolves around us - resulting in the disintegration of the truest form of vulnerability: speaking from the heart. It's all digitally-delayed responses and too much time given for analysis and thought - instead of real, honest, have-some-balls truth. The saying "Follow your heart" was not initially denoted to mean "Let me think about it for two weeks as we chat and feel our way over skype, Facebook, BBM and I.M" I see this world of technology, and as much as we rely on it, there's an evil in everything truly phenomenal. No longer forced into  blind leaps of faith for lack of mulling-over time, people are given time to over-ponder the simplest emotions, terrified of what might happen. "I may get hurt", "I may hurt her"... How is that train of thought remotely spontaneous, exciting, honeymoon-ish? How is it that we have adopted such a cowardly outlook on something that is supposed to be the purest form of any drug imaginable: the ultimate, euphoric, endorphin-releasing, hypnotic plunge into love?

I have been faced with the desire to say many things that, when revised in my mind, I had realised would have lead to awkward looks, fumbled excuses of "I didn't mean it like that"/ "I don't know what came over me, that's not what I meant to say at all." I choose to keep my mouth closed and bottle up what I truly want to say. Why? I cannot answer this question myself and neither for you, dear reader, but after having read "Man and Boy" by Tony Parsons (which has been recommended to me countless times by an extremely close friend of mine) has made me question a lot of what I have chosen to withhold.

"Happiness is a butterfly, which when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you" -- Nathaniel Hawthorne

And so, I ponder life - the constant "races" we run: socially, the daily grind, games of love...

How often do we stop for a few seconds and just let realisation come to us? Or love? That's not to say that my advice is to take yourself out of the equation and wait solely for love to do do all the work; a miracle it would be to answer a door to the proverbial 'winds of love'.  I'm not living the script of a Walt Disney production and nor are you. Here we are in the throes of mysterious life and life is what we make of it. As there is but one ticket to this ride, so our existence is short and every moment a chance for improvement of the rest of it.

Utter disregard for something that makes us happy can't be sane, can it? Games of the heart often lead to confusion, the colloquially termed 'mind-fuck' and proverbial head-banging-frustration. We're doing it all wrong. Call me old school, but I'd prefer not to have to look for that prime gazelle at the watering hole (that has over-indulged, or not), get ready to pounce, and hope to high hell she still remembers the spark, let alone me, in the morning. Is this really the 'love' we are all looking for? Have the games of love become this perverted?  I'm imagining a few of you with shaking heads and an expression or thought-pattern that goes something like Love? Pffft not for me.. I'm not the relationship kind of person. So be it, but tell me this doesn't hit home. What has happened to romancing? And the getting to know someone part of 'courting' - that which should but doesn't often any more come before the dirty bedroom antics. It is no wonder divorce rates are climbing and families are falling apart - more so that the good ol' days when divorce was taboo. I look at my family and the fact that my parents have provided for me a truly loving environment with a completely monogamous view on relationships , and I hope for the same for myself when I meet that 'someone' and start a family. 

Flowers. Hand holding. Walks on the beach. (I'm a romantic, I know) What has it been replaced with? Shots of Jagermeister, tequila, and one night stands? Don't get me wrong, I realise romancing in this day and age is no longer even slightly similar to those of Humphrey Bogart and Ilsa Lund. We're not running off together like in the black-and-white movies of old. So I accept that the 'love games' are different, that with time comes change and that with the technological age, so then communication has and will continue to metamorphose. A point to mull over though: has romancing, falling in love and feeling real, honest emotions and then saying them out loud without a second thought evolved to the point where people are terrified to truly love?

So, you caught me. I'm a sucker for romance. And as cliche as this may sound, I'm in it for the love. The old school, open-the-car-door-for-her, let's get know each other better (and not in the filthy sense - well, a little bit of that, too) real, honest, knees-like-jelly love. 

Little bit of life...

Having not posted in a while has left me feeling more than a little rusty. If truth be told, 5 or 6 unfinished posts litter my desktop all with the promise of being pretty damn amazing. Alas, once inspiration strikes, I've learnt that you should harness it as soon as it gets you, before you're sitting in front of your PC screen with two awesome sentences and little else to write about. This brings me to today's post - having felt the kick and all that!

So, my own website is firmly in the pipelines and I'm starting to pick up little pieces of advice and inspiration often nowadays. I think - it's what you do with that input that counts - and having spoken to a good friend a few nights ago, my mind was opened up to they extent that I now see the bigger picture. Looking ahead, something we think we do, and stopping to smell the roses, leads me to the realisation that the bigger picture, little be fathomed by me, is still in need of another 15 steps toward my anxiously abated destination.

Keeping that in mind, I have a theory: A "2 second rule" - before any reaction we try to take "2 seconds" just to think as far ahead as possible and guess how our actions would effect and affect the person or situation being reacted to. I think that if we used this "rule" for any and all situations that arise in daily life: be it in relationships, the work place or with with mates, taking that 2 seconds to realise that 'shit I don't rate this is gonna work out' and changing course, could and would prevent titanic-ing situations and it would be optional to change said situation to suit all involved. 

Don't get me wrong here. Spontaneity is fucking amazing, as it rightly should be... I'm not implying we should hold back on being spontaneous, but, in situations, where ever possible, (I'm life lesson-ing you here) take the time to just have a think and observe what is actually going on. How many times have you thought to yourself  "FUCK that was stupid, should have thought that through a little better" ?? Hmm?

More often than not I'll find myself over analysing situations to the point where I'll be completely put off an idea - to and fro for a while, while my mind fiddles with the math, only to come full circle and end up going along with whichever vibe it is my mates and 'close personals' are into at the present moment and despite all the brain gymnastics, land up having an off the wall time. Then there are the times when I throw caution to the wind, just don't give a shit and just sort of drift/go with whatever is happening and land up thinking I should have stayed home with a flick or a good book. Life - thou art a sadistic game at times.

I'm guessing - if one reaches the perfect balance between overly-cautious and bordering-on-pure-recklessness - life would reach some sort of Buddhist harmonious balance. Where you could just be and things would be. I could be missing the point altogether here (we can't, of course, predict all outcomes) but it feels so good to have written something again.

So it's weekend, I, for one, don't need 2 seconds to know that it's going to be a good one! 

Winds of Change

With the wind of change finally blowing me out of the doldrums, it's time for changes and changes a plenty. First off the bat, I'll be launching a second blog which will be your one stop shop for everything relating to the electronic music scene: party reviews, interviews, promotional work, photos. You get the point.

I’ll be kicking off on a huge high with the second instalment of I LOVE BASS, which is definitely going to be a must read if you can’t attend and a banger if you do (valid excuses needed if missed), followed by a host of interviews with the people who made it all happen - 1st and 2nd instalments inclusive. So, do me the honour of having a look – read, revel; you’ll enjoy it. Almost as much as I'll enjoy presenting my findings to you.

I present to you Auditory Vision :

http://auditoryvision.blogspot.com/

 Please hit me up with anycomments or suggestions for the blog

Soulful Hunger

Whether it’s the crazy stage antics of Daron Malakian of Scars on Broadway and formerly System of a Down, or the pounding bass and psychadelic twists and tweeks of Skazi, music is food for the soul. Dub, punk, rock, trance, blues, jazz - whatever genre you find yourself most attracted to - it will always be the music: a drug that is ingested through the ears, each genre producing a different effect on our psyche.

How often do we find ourselves waking up in the morning with a certain song ricocheting off the walls of our skulls? (That may just be me, though) You’ll find you need that "drug", you have to listen to that track, and when you do and you finally achieve your "high", all is well in your world.

In my office at work my ears are often pleasantly assaulted with the sounds of just about every genre of music known to man: From Jamiroquai to Martha Munizy’s soulful gospel voice (thanks to a co-worker). Sure, I don’t enjoy every sound that is played, but, I find, it really makes a difference in my day, to have some sort of music as my backdrop. Gently - sometimes not to gently - supporting and pushing me through the day.

Berthold Auerbach puts it best when he said: "Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life."

In my opinion, the world would be a sad, sad place if we didn’t have our tunes to get us through the day. Music could serve as your ultimate escape, there could be a specific track that gets you hyped up or even one that soothes your aching heart...

Music: what would we do without it?

I LOVE BASS

Friday saw the arrival of I LOVE BASS at 121 Castle. If you missed it, you missed out! A plush and unspoiled venue with ample parking out front, two particularly well serviced bars, a tapas menu, VIP area and fantastic décor, served as all that was needed to get the party turning into a banger. Add the filthy breaks and dirty bass being thrown down by some heavy talented DJ’s, and we've got a winner. 

First up on the list of exceptionally awesome “thrower-downers-of-tunes” was Callan Maart (on a BREAK records) mixing it up with his own slick production. In my opinion, Callan is a talent and you all should keep him on your radars; He definitely got the night off to a sick start, the ambience so powerful one could assume from the vibes that things were about to get proper messy! 

As the liquid refreshments started to flow, the peeps started making their way to the floor, causing the party to kick up a gear. Next up on the decks was LG Fritz (on a BREAK records, Fukk it) and wow, did he bring the noise in large doses - fuck yes! Fat quantities of noise were the order of business and, believe me, those tunes were legend. The tempo went up and the growing crowd got down.

The stage was set, the crowd was hungry for more and :: more was had :: on steps Mezzanine (MuthaFM, Malignant Music). With his high energy set, Mezzanine had the crowd at his mercy - getting involved with us behind the decks, showing us love, and dropping some exceedingly sick tunes.
Headline Act: Enough Weapons (on a BREAK records) was up next… What a set! All the right ingredients were had for the crowd to get filthy:- along with floor shaking bass, dropping dance floor bangers and each and every hook and twist. People were kept on the bounce. Infectious as it was, I must ask: if you haven’t been a part of the mayhem (caused by Enough Weapons) where the hell have you been? 

To shut things down for the evening, Mr Bong (Two Twiggs Xperiment) jumped behind the decks and, to be honest, surprised even the seasoned “veterans” of the game with a killer set that ended the night on a supreme vibe, leaving people wondering when the next instalment of I LOVE BASS will be happening.

With all said and done, the first instalment went down way better than ‘smooth’, and I personally look forward - with bated breath - to round two.

Stay tuned for exclusive interviews with the guys who made it all happen.

A denomination for your belief

There are some things in life that are inexplicable, baffling and at times unexplainable. In this blog, I dedicate my words to that mysterious bond of friendship. The weird and wonderful connections one acquires when one meets another being with whom one has one or many things in common. Did you ever think there was a greater plan out there?

That perhaps whomever the creator of us was/is developed some kind of map on which a constellation of smaller destined souls were drawn and connected? Or do you believe that, yes the connection may be there, but one must work at continuing that bond, one must nurture it as one would a small plant? ‘Tis just something to think about. Here I go with the philosophical stuff. Perhaps this excerpt will give you a greater understanding of why we should cherish such small gifts such as friendship, peace, love, laughter. I struggle to come to terms with those who don’t; with those who take friendships for granted, who do not see that real and true friends are imperative.

In a comparison of personal relationships, friendship is considered to be closer than association. Although one can evaluate the type and intimacy of each friendship, friendship and association can be thought of as spanning across the same continuum. Sympathy, empathy, the desire to look out for the other’s best interests are a few attributes one can associate with the value of friendship. Honesty, trust and RECIPROCATION are a few of the more important.

There are times when I look around me, and from my perspective, I see the inner workings of say, for example, a crowd of friends at a restaurant table. Obviously, one cannot say exactly what is what to a tee when just observing, but from the outside, one can read the gestures, facial expressions etc. Now, I do not consider myself to be as adept as that old dude from Lie To Me at reading people, but I like to play pretend every now and then. (Tell me you haven’t learnt anything from that program.)

I see one-sided friendships, where reciprocation is nowhere to be seen, long gone with the time that has flown since the friendship was real. I see people making the effort where others choose just to BE:- Those ‘friends’ who aren’t yet sure how much they’ll miss if they continue to believe that they will always have friends and do not feel the need to make any attempt at contact/conversation. I mean, I exert myself in ways I did not know possible, trying to people-please my way through life, while few of those around me do no such thing.

The Roman philosopher Cicero believed that in order to have a true friendship with someone, one must have complete honesty, truth, and trust. He also thought that friends would do things for each other without expectation of repayment. It is hard to live by these words. We are all human and fuck up every now and then and in the process lose friendships and sight of what it is to be compassionate. The trick is to treat others as you would like to be treated (not to sound too cliché) and live life to its utmost potential.

I say in previous blogs that I believe 2011 to be a year of change and challenge and those who stand in the way will be left as casualties. Obviously, I do not mean that in an angry or war-driven manner, but I do believe that you are what you do; your actions mean the most. And if you have one or two of these so-called ‘friends’, it is my advice to sit each one down, discuss these friendships, and either bid each other bon voyage, or each agree to make effort one of your first priorities. I direct, reciprocation is key.

"Fate chooses your relations, you choose your friends." - Jacques Delille

Serene Days Inspire Me Most

Intricacies are meant to awaken, not dampen the spirits. The human spirit is inspired to grow strong by variances.

Let’s be honest, some days just suck balls. We are roused by thoughts that are less than pleasant, noises that irritate the eardrum, and scenery that confuses the shit out of us. These days we trod along in a sort of daze which ends in, more often than not, a night at the pub, either among individuals who spark the crazy in us, or alone with our perplexed thoughts and that old mate, typically a 40+ percentage volume liquor, stimulating that welcomed burning sensation right down to the gut.

Other days, and these days, although rare in some of us, find us with butterflies in the stomach, the optimism evident, keyed up for the day ahead, knowing that TODAY we’re going to kick ass, in every way possible. Each waking minute is filled with thoughts of improvement, plans for greatness, and the joy that we are alive. We feel encouragement from every angle, and take pride in our minds, bodies and souls.

I propose every day be like the latter, no matter how hard one must work at that positivism. So let’s tell it like it is – no ‘world on the shoulders’, fewer regrets and preferably no grudges. How can we make this life one that leaves legendary legacies for those around us to marvel at once we’re gone? Be YOU. Don’t let the silly things faze you. Keep smiling, laughing, singing, dancing. Keep happy. Keep well. And keep safe. But mostly, don’t let anyone or anything stand in the way of the awesome things you want to do in life.

Surround yourself with sanguinity, with buoyancy and brightness. Deal with the shitty things and then move on. Bask in the beauty that is opportunity. Know that you are capable of anything, and that to know joy, one must know hardship. Be at peace with the inner workings of the universe. Destiny is not a target, but a labyrinth of your own movements; it is what you make it. Your fate is in your own unique hands.

Peace and love. These two simple abstracts make heroes out of men.

Like greyhounds in the slips..

Happy Fucking New Year!

Well folks, the New Year should be in full swing for most of you, I’m sure. How upsetting to be back behind the LCD screens instead of in the ocean, dreaming of a life filled with leisure and less work. MY second day back at the grind finds my mind wondering reminiscently about what actually happened last year. Looking back, I appreciate the beginning and end, the haze of good times, not so good times and fantastic times. I see you standing like greyhounds in the slips. Bated breath and all…

According to Urban Dictionary:
“Change... it happens every second of every day...it happens when you grow. When you change scenery...everyone changes...it all depends on if it is good or bad”

Let me be inspirational here for a sec. Give U.D an ass-kicking on the philosophical crap front. I’ve decided to grab this proverbial bull by the horns, face the year head on, no holds barred, challenge myself and hopefully inspire change in those around me. Take a leaf out of my book. I implore you; go skydiving for your birthday as I am. Travel the world. Better yet, come to Thailand with me at the end of 2011. As I’m improving your reading pleasure with my blog upgrades, I also look forward to my hopeful sideline project, while dipping my toes into the music scene. With so much to do and the excitement of what’s to come so near on that glorious horizon, buckling up would be my advice. We are in for an adventure of a lifetime! 2011, the year for change, spontaneity, journeys that would make grown men curl up into foetal-like positions. A year of ambivalence, and pushing oneself to the extremes. This should be the year we come in to our own. A year where I will say (and it would do you all the good in the world to do the same):

“If you don’t like it, do not get in my way, I’m not moving for anyone!”

2011, I’m gonna make you my bitch.
And greyhounds, keep reading, and enjoying.
Peace and love

So you wanna be a DJ?

As promised in the last post I present the loud, the filthy the one and only... DJ Mezzanine.

Bernard Knight is a close personal friend and has been involved in the music scene for more than 15 years, being involved in numerous genres of music from gospel to dubstep, his latest project as Mezzanine or M3zza9 is growing in leaps and bounds I managed to steal a few minutes of his time for you to get to know the man behind the filthy bass

What’s up Mr B thanks for your time.

What & who got you get involved in the music scene?

Hey what’s happening everyone? I can’t say exactly who it was that got me into music, but I reckon it was just something in the rhythm & groove. Had to be that ‘cause according to my mom I got my head stuck in a toy drum at like 18months old. They should’ve known then I’d end up a basshead.

What made you choose the stage name / alias Mezzanine and is there a reason behind it?

Yeah, if anyone knows what a mezzanine is you’d know it is often the space between 2 floors in a building, so the name came out of that concept. I always seem to be in limbo between two things, not a boy anymore, but not really sure if I’m a man, not white but not black either... even the music I’m currently playing is sort of the middle ground between hip-hop & electro... Also the mezzanine is usually where the important unseen things happen.

Do you have any influence in helping up and coming artist’s get their name’s out there?

Definitely. From a production point of view, I’m always keen with helping people get out there. People can contact me on email or Facebook if they wanna colab or learn, or even just get their track listened to & played on air. I predominantly produce hip-hop, but am dabbling in all sorts of stuff at the moment. I mean I produced a reggae-rock track for The little Kings that got played on 5FM. So, yeah definitely can also put people in touch with people who know people.

MuthaFm, Cape Town’s “underground” music station has signed you on to do The Flip Side on Monday evenings how did that project come to be?

Lol... The strangest thing is that I decided last year to put DJ’ing on hold to focus on production, as the DJ industry is really hard to get into an maintain. But along the way I have made a few good connections & gave the right people demos I guess. Also, as I mentioned earlier, I’ve been pushing my production under the name “mezzanine,” & I reckon the right people heard about it. The best thing to do if you’re trying to get noticed in the music industry is to keep busy in the industry.

What does the Future hold for you and MuthaFm?

Well, let’s just say the future is very promising. More than that I cannot give away right now, but something that is coming early next year is that we are going live, which is going to bring a whole new interactive aspect to the Mutha FM experience.

Having listened to your sets there is a strong local influence in your tunes are there any local artists you would like to collaborate with?

Yeah... Unfortunately too many to mention. I’m digging South African music at the moment. The world is looking & I think we’re getting better and better. Every new project that comes out has a better sounding end product. I would dig to do a track with Die Antwoord or Isaac Mutant (which may just be happening).

Do you have any side projects that you’re currently working on?

Yip. I’m currently in the process of starting a production & promotions company. Then also busy signing artists for my record label “Malignant Music.” Unfortunately there are only so many hours in a day.

Any suggestions for people wanting to start out in the music scene?

Keep on following your dream. Be patient but keep working. Keep busy. Don’t get dissuaded by disappointment & realise that this industry is full of haters. Most people that have really made it in the industry did it through HARD work. There are no shortcuts & easy breaks. At least if you don’t expect them, you’ll be pleasantly surprised if you get one.

How can people get in touch with you and keep up to date with your gigs?

Facebook Bernz Knight or email mezzanine@malignantmusic.com

Any last words?

Thanks for your time Ian, and hopefully catch all of you at Rock the River NYE, at the Berg River. (www.rocktheriversa.co.za), and listen to my show Mondays 10pm-12am @ www.muthafm.com

Thanks for your time bru, Good luck for your set at the Brass Bell this Friday!

Overwhelming bass lines & reverberant drum patterns

We talk about everything from drinks to tattoos to the occasional reminiscant look at the days when we were innocent, but now, my friends and avid readers (are you?), I’d like to take a look at this genre of electronic dance music, it being a relatively new playground popular. I’ve been educated that it originates from London, but can we really pin down the exact location some clever being (beings) put together these tightly coiled productions, with clipped samples and occasional lyrics?

Only problem, every 12 year old kid believes he is ‘underground’. Plus, have you seen people dance to this music? Sure you have. And because you don’t have the device that I have in my head that allows you to replay events in slow motion, you haven’t realised how fucking retarded people actually look when jamming. Yes, no one cares, ‘cause everyone’s drunk or on drugs, but indulge me, will you? Termed ‘skanking all over the place to filthy choons’, I’ll give you a brief (thank God) look at “how dubsteppers dance”.
The point is to loosen up, make yourself look as silly as possible, throw your limbs and head around a lot – to the beat – and make sure everyone sees how dumb you look doing that. People seem to use this ‘dance’ to show how ‘obviously oblivious’ they are to the judgement of others. OK, so i’m being judgmental.
People pretty much look like sugared up circus monkeys. I have been told, though, that the point is to have fun, be yourself and get your “skank” on. So I’ll stop my cynicism now.

And try to look like a retard as soon as possible at a party. Less serious now, you see?

General jittery, irregular rhythm tracks incorporate breakbeat or darker elements of drum and bass, to form dubstep. The term ‘dubstep’ was only really referenced in 2002, when it started becoming more distinct from other genres of music. This shows just how new/ up-and-coming this type of music is, and how quickly it has infected the creatures in my general group of mates. The year 2009 saw the dubstep sound gain further worldwide recognition, often through the incorporation of basics of the sound into other genres, in a manner similar to drum 'n bass.

Have a look here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/list_of_dubstep_musicians

And here: http://www.dubstep.fm/

While you're at it:http://www.muthafm.com/ Monday nights:- “The Flipside”, hosted by Mezzanine

Many clubs in Cape Town and surrounds now play this music, in amongst playlists including tracks off the 5fm top 40, some trance (depending on location), and r&b. In fact, many dubstep tracks are remixes of popular radio anthems, ultimately incorporating a larger audience and introducing those who haven’t enjoyed drum 'n bass and similar genres of music before. This process is known as ‘dubstepifying’ - the act of remixing a song from a genre other than dubstep, thereby creating a dubstep tune.

Urbandictionary defines dubstep as ‘orgasmic vibrations’, ‘audio thunder’ and ‘the music that is created from transformers having sex’.

Comments made about this ‘scene’ – the ones beginning with “filthier than…”, or “dirtier than…”, are more than a little overboard. Too foul to be repeated on here. But if you feel the need, Google's your answer there.

OK, so I see that the art of dubstep dance is, in fact, an art. have a look at this (blurry) chick dance.http://www.rajputbrotherhood.com/video-search/watch/aq7jr-xemha/dubstep-dance.html

HOPE THE INFO ENLIGHTENED Y’ALL.
ENJOY ‘SKANKING’, BOYS AND GIRLS.

P.S Stay tuned for an exclusive interview with DJ Mezzanine in the next installment of the Chronicles

Let Me Help You Be Drunk-Smart

"Alcohol may not solve your problems, but neither will water or milk."

I admit, I have been neglecting you, darling, and for that I apologise. Profusely, if you want. I have been RESEARCHING though, so I have been on my sabbatical, you see. I know, I know, recently this blog has made me look a little like an alcoholic. I AM NOT. Alcoholics are quitters. And besides, I don’t drink that much. Cough, cough. No, but really – among my friends I am known as the one who will remember the evening, as my mind doesn’t go to sleep as my friends’ do. I am a responsible drinker, you see. Thanks to my high tolerance and awesome memory. So, as I remember, and put in to practice the majority of the following theories/rules etc, I would like to share them with you, my little monsters, share with you the bountiful knowledge that I’ve accumulated on this sabbatical I’ve had. And hopefully, make up for my absence.

As I know you have missed me dearly.

Let’s get the ball rolling, shall we…



To Be Drunk: Having to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.

Alcohol Intoxication (synonym for drunk, also known as inebriation) is a physiological state that occurs when a person has a high level of ethanol in their blood. Common symptoms of alcohol intoxication include slurred speech, euphoria, impaired balance, loss of muscle coordination (ataxia), flushed face, reddened eyes, reduced inhibition, and erratic behavior. Thank you, Wikipedia.

Shall we begin with some drinking faux pas/just-plain-funny-fuck-ups? I shan’t chew you out if it turns out you’ve been at the ass end of some of these…

Technology and booze:
I know someone who knows someone (how mysterious am I?) who was out with a friend who asked about a potential ‘squeeze’. Of course, after 25 beers, and the technology of today, one gets quite illustrative and this friend of a friend of a friend (or whatever the relation is) decided that Facebook would be a fun way to demonstrate in the form of a profile picture, what the topic of conversation looks like. Now FOR GOD’S SAKE, don’t try this at home. The name was typed in, and the picture didn’t pop up. In fact, nothing expected occurred. A few sips of a beer and a whinge about how long things take to load blah blah blah later, it came to the friends’ attention that in fact, the name of this person (who, might I add, had only been a recent addition to this friend of friend of friend’s love life) had been typed in to the status bar. Now we know this can be rectified pretty quickly, but, as drunk people do, drunkards involved panicked largely, embarrassed, and a good giggle was had.

Drunk Dialing:
Drunk dialing is a pop-culture term denoting an instance in which an intoxicated individual places phone calls that he or she would not likely place if sober. The term often refers to a lonely individual calling former or current love interests.
Drunk texting is a related phenomenon, and potentially more embarrassing for the sender because once the message is sent, it cannot be retrieved; the message will most likely be misspelled (due to being drunk), and it might be reviewed and shared among many.
Here are some of my personal guidelines for drunk dialing:
It's okay to call someone 27 times in one night. If you don't remember it, it didn't happen.
If you're going to drunk dial a family member, say something nice. E.g. "Mom I'm in McDonald's and they're playing our song. I love you."
Voicemails are always better. This way your friends can let their friends have fun at your expense for days, or even weeks to come.
Drunk texting is OK, but only if you're prepared to read what you wrote the next day when you sober up.
It is definitely a good idea to call all of your exes and remind them that you were the best lover they ever had, and everything they know they learned from you. This way you can all sleep well at night.
You can also call this same ex and let them know, that you know, that they still love you. Then explain that I would still love me too!
It's always a good idea to sing on someone's answering machine or voicemail. Especially a show tune.
Now, people, although it is a common phenomenon, the act of calling someone whilst being intoxicated is VERY controversial. These calls are usually made to someone of the opposite sex or a relative. And can generally result in break ups, make ups or throwing up.

Liquid-in-Nose Laughter:
This is the result of cracking someone up while they are in the process of swallowing or taking a sip of alcohol. Some of us are better at it than others; some people never suffer from this occurrence.

Beer-Goggle-Syndrome:
Scientists have proven that this syndrome is real. Other people do look more attractive to us after a few drinks. To the extreme, one's consumption of alcohol makes physically unattractive persons appear beautiful; summed up by the phrase, "there are no ugly women at closing time". This alcohol induced condition of the eyes will usually have you waking up next to someone who is a few times larger than the night before, a lot less pretty, and, unfortunately, naked, having you wonder why/how you got here and of course, how the fuck am I gonna get outta here in the next 10 seconds?

Afterthought: "Drunk chicks think I'm hot."

Designated Drunk Driver:
The guy with the best motor-skills and coordination under the influence of a lot of alcohol out of all the dudes you hang out with. You depend on this guy to drive you home when all of you are wasted and you trust him with your life. He should be able to take like 20 brews and still drive you back to base without a fatal accident or getting pulled over.

"Don't drink and drive, you might hit a bump and spill your drink."

Ok, no, I don’t condone the idea of driving while under the influence at all, not only because a night in jail is at the top of my [DON’T-EVER-WANT]TO-DO list, but also because it is dangerous and could be detrimental. It’s an amusing theory though; we all know it has happened to us once or twice – where we’ve had to resort to the DDD rule.

Let me get smart on your ass right now, though, and give you some funny drinking rules that, more importantly than being hilarious, are sharp.

• If you owe someone money, always pay them back in a bar - preferably during happy hour.



• Buying a strange woman a drink is still cool. Buying all her drinks is dumb.
  


• If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she refuses, she does not like you. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she accepts, she still might not like you.
  


• After your sixth drink, do not look at yourself in the mirror. It will shake your confidence.



• If you think you might be slurring a little, then you are slurring a lot. If you think you are slurring a lot, then you are not speaking English.



• Asking a bartender what beers are on tap when the handles are right in front of you is the equivalent of saying, "I'm an idiot."



• If there is ever any confusion, the fuller beer is yours.

Have fun, kids. Go kick some ass.
P.S. "An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do."